Swinging from the chandeliers

Sia. She is just amazing! I so admire her intelligence, cleverness, her ability to put her finger right on this issue and talk about un-talked about topics.

Like pageants. Like suicide.

“Chandelier”

Party girls don’t get hurt

Can’t feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it downI’m the one “for a good time call”
Phone’s blowin’ up, ringin’ my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

Throw ’em back, till I lose count

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

And I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I’m a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink

Throw ’em back till I lose count

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

And I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Oh I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Oh I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight

Holding on for dear life. Just holding on for tonight. Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes. I’m a mess. I’m gunna swing from the chandelier.
Sounds like desperation and suicide to me. I guess it could also sound less drastic; like she’s gunna get rip roaring drunk and swing from the chandelier metaphorically.
I don’t know which of these Sia intended.
All I know is every time this song comes on, I feel it right to the heart; the desperation that I had, the hopelessness that I had, the plans I was trying and failing to make to escape the pain and blackness and hopelessness
.
I don’t relive it; that would be awful and I’d never listen to it again, if that were possible which it probably isn’t. I just feel how strong those emotions were and feel glad that this talented chick understands it down to the nitty gritty detail and can write and sing something so passionately that resonates with all of me about my experience with desperation.
Unlike Sia I didn’t “one two three drink”. Mainly because I was brought up as an almost teetotaler and I just don’t have alcohol in the house, except cheap stuff for cooking. But the weirdest part of my experience with severe depression/mood swings was this intense craving that I got to buy a bottle of whatever and just skull the whole thing. Wine, brandy, anything strongish, my brain wasn’t picky.
Somewhere in humans there is this response to incredible stress to do whatever it takes to just get away and hide for a while. Sometimes going to bed and sleeping works. I guess sometimes getting blotto works; never tried it. But my body was desperately craving an escape and that was the method it chose. It was so strange to me. I’m a one glass for the night girl, if I ever drink which is rare. Why would I suddenly want to be a bottle an hour drinker?? I guess it all falls under the flight or fight. Somehow my brain knew that going to sleep or becoming unconscious from alcohol were ways to keep me alive a bit longer.
Did I ever succumb? No. Not even to a glass. Because I know myself, I’m already living with a chocolate habit that could be classed as an addiction, I’ve been a book and TV series addict and arguably still am, I know that I have difficulty saying no to food.
Basically I think that I have an addicitive personality. And I’m okay-ish with the slippery slope of food consumption, to a point, but not alcohol.
I’ve seen too many ruined lives due to alcohol addiction working in hospitals. And it’s not just the jobless and homeless, I’ve seen lawyers and people high up in powerful positions who have fallen victim to habits involving expensive scotch or champagne rather than rot-gut wine by the litre container. In the end, they all die the same way. Scarring and slow destruction of the liver causing serious bleeding, or slow poisoning of the body with its own by-products, as well as the accompanying incessant itch, delirium and long slow march on the inevitable path to death. This is a TERRIBLE way to die. Be warned.
So my upbringing, my history with liver cirrhosis patients, and sheer lifelong habit kept me from that. But you need something to help numb you for a while. There has to be an escape for however long. For me, chocolate or any food really and a good book, but then I couldn’t concentrate enough to read so it was anything video on replay, chocolate and a brief step out of life to recoup until I could live the next little bit.
Hold on for dear life, there is an alternate ending without swinging from the chandelier!!
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