Voices

 

I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed

Get along with the voices inside of my head

You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath

And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy

Well, that’s nothing

-Monsters by Eminem feat. Rihanna

 

I love this song called Monsters by Eminem with Rihanna and always sing along when it comes on the radio while I’m driving. The chorus mainly, I’m not skilled enough to rap along with Eminem! “I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed”. To be friends with whatever our own particular monster is; what a great goal to have!

To accept that I have a monster in my life, to accept that it isn’t going away and can’t be gotten rid of, to accept that it will always be right there lurking under the bed is one of the biggest parts of reaching remission with mental health disorders. Acceptance is key.

That’s what I’ve been told by my therapists and I really do think that this is true. I’ve seen enough patients with mental illness, mostly schizophrenia and sometimes bipolar disorder, and every now and then depression, anxiety or panic disorders who do not believe that they are unwell to know that believing the diagnosis and accepting the need for treatment is the biggest advantage you can have on your side. From then on out, having a good relationship with your doctor, having faith in the treatments given and doing what you can for yourself are added bonuses towards successfully managing your condition.

Fighting against the diagnosis, disbelieving the doctors, resisting the label, not wanting to accept the idea of illness takes so much emotional energy, so much mental energy and makes you prey to so much more time exposed to the condition that is ravaging you. It can also make your condition harder to treat once you finally succumb to the idea of needing help as it has had so much more time to get a strong grasp in your mind and the symptoms may be a lot more advanced. You wouldn’t do this to your body if you had diabetes, leave your body exposed to high levels of blood sugar damaging your blood vessels and nerve endings while your organs starve for sugar. So why do it do your mind?

Because at the end of the day, mental illnesses like diabetes or thyroid disorders or heart disease are conditions that are not curable, in the sense that they never go away but can be well managed. Bipolar disorder doesn’t just pop up then vanish away again. But it can be managed away to the extent that it no longer controls your life and so that people around you have no idea about your condition, and maybe you even forget that you have this monster.

Here’s to becoming friends with whatever it is that scares the pants off us! To becoming friends with our monsters.

 

[ I ] Get along with the voices inside of my head”

 

I don’t have voices inside of my head.

That sounds like a statement of denial, but it isn’t. I’m just telling you a fact about me. Trust me; I’ve been thoroughly checked for voices! By my GP, my psychologist, two psychiatrists and a number of nurses. And myself, just to quintuple-check.

I mean that I don’t have voices in the sense that most people expect voices. I don’t have auditory hallucinations such as people can have if they suffer from schizophrenia, psychosis, some forms of bipolar or delirium. I don’t hear people who aren’t physically present telling me things, commanding me to perform certain actions or speaking to me through objects like the radio or TV.

But I’ve come to learn about other types of voices that can be just as damaging. The inner voice. Everyone has one, to whatever extent they allow it to be heard in their own mind. The little voice that chats away in the background carrying along beliefs, ideas, thoughts, judgements, criticism and hopes and dreams. And sometimes not only one voice. There’s my inner voice that carries the weight of history, experience, self esteem and knows me well. There’s the inner voice which is other people’s beliefs projecting as their voice and most importantly, my new inner voice!

One of the things I’ve been trying hard to work on during my recovery is to change my inner voice, or develop a new inner voice. Depression and anxiety can both have a large self critical and other people critical component. When my current voice criticises or judges or makes snide remarks, I try to correct it. Not with judgement, or criticism, or rudeness. If I took that approach, my new voice would be as difficult as my current voice!

So when my old inner voice sparks up a thought train that I don’t want to follow, my attempt is to gently override it with a better thought, or kindly redirect it. When a critical thought comes to mind, I try to tell it, no that’s not how I want to think about people anymore, and then I try to impose a better thought onto that thought to overcome it.

Maybe the idea pops into my head that that girl over there is fat. But that’s not how I want to think about other people, and I have to bear in mind that I myself can be classed as fat, so instead of thinking those thoughts about her and me, I’ll think about her beautiful hair and her lovely smile. Which will make me smile, and enjoy these nicer thoughts 🙂

It is not easy! It takes a lot of hard work to get along with the voices inside of my head! Being friends with the monsters is much easier for me! I don’t know if everyone has the same difficulty, but it’s taken me a lot of work to get to where I am and there’s still a way to go. I know consciously exactly how I want my mind to be, but it doesn’t change just for me wanting it to! It takes practice and repetition and solid thinking!

But at least I’m on the way to getting along with my voices, a little progress is better than no progress!

Recovery

 

“You will get there when you are meant to get there and not one moment sooner. So relax, breathe, and be patient.” -unknown

 

Last Wednesday was an interesting day for me.

Another new start, another new pursuit, another new hobby, another new lifestyle angle.

I began a new journey, a new pathway towards I don’t know what exactly. I participated in my very first formal mindfulness class.

When I was in my first year of university and had my first panic attack, I went to see the campus counsellor. She was a really sweet lady and helped me through some difficulties, frustrations, emotional strain and odds and ends in our one-on-one sessions. She also got me involved in a lunchtime class where we tried meditation and mindfulness as stress reduction methods.

I don’t have a very clear memory of that time; I had a lot going on I guess. But I do remember one mindfulness exercise that we did with a mandarin and I’ve gone back to that a few times over the years since then.

This year and last year while I’ve been seeing a psychologist pretty frequently the idea of mindfulness has come up briefly a few times and the last time I was able to borrow a mindfulness CD from my counsellor by well known Dr Craig Hassad, lecturer at Monash University. That was a good reminder of what mindfulness is and how it can be used.

So now I’m doing this class for two and a half hours every Wednesday for eight weeks. So far, I’m very happy. The lovely group leader is a practical, kind lady who has made me feel very at home and the other members of the group all seem like they are very nice as well. I was a bit worried that it might be really alternative and other worldy, like rituals and incence and weird stuff; but thankfully its all very normal and logical and helpful.

We arrived on a freezing cold morning to a delightful old church done over for other uses. Not only was the heating on high but we were able to help ourselves to lovely fleece blankets that had been warming in front on one heater to keep ourselves soft and cozy! Plus cushions and pillows; how lovely! Off to a good start!

What I’ve been thinking about most is not the course so much, but how I introduced myself to the other ladies; no men in this particular course. My introduction of myself was that over the last year or so I’ve been progressively diagnosed with anxiety disorder, depression and now bipolar disorder. I told the other ladies that I’m now in the recovery phase of resting, starting medications, having doses changed and getting used to medicines.

Recovery phase.

Interesting.

When I got home that day I thought about that a bit more. And realised something. I tell other people that I’m in the recovery phase; resting, medications etc but I don’t let my brain get that memo. I’m telling myself a whole other message, which is hurry up and get your stuff together because your life is waiting for you and it won’t wait much longer!

See? A whole other message!! And quite a lot more stressful! So time to help myself out.

Danika, you are in the recovery phase.You can rest, you can allow time the healer of all things to have its place to work. You can allow medications to take their effect, you can attend your appointments with your doctor, psychiatrist and psychologist. You can go to your photography course, your mindfulness course, to free meditation class, on bird watching walks, on interesting day trips and excursions. You can take naps when you need them, rest when you are tired, socialise if you have the energy.

Can you take five minutes to realise how amazing this is? You have free rein to do whatever you feel like to help yourself and heal yourself!

Don’t think about how you can’t do everything that you want to, don’t worry about your limitations, don’t get put off by tiredness or weakness or feebleness. You can do whatever you feel like and are up to with whatever resources you have. That is amazing!

And make a new attempt at perspective, please. You have been on six different antidepressants on less than a year, each one taking a month to six weeks to show its full effect then needing to be washed out and a new one started. You have been on varying doses of a mood stabiliser since March and each dose or formulation change had its own issues. Remember that you started lithium not even eight weeks ago, and that the last dose change was just three weeks ago!

Three weeks. That’s not forever ago, you aren’t taking forever to get better, please remember that you are still taking step after step and every change takes some kind of toll, so you need time to roll through each new wave of turbulence.

 

 Don’t even think about work.

 

Those are the words from the psychologist provided with my insurance.

 

Don’t even think about it. Just relax, take it easy, take your time, get yourself better.

 

At my last psychiatrist visit we checked in again about my colossal weight gain and high cholesterol. He’s still thinking about putting me on a cholesterol lowering drug.

 

Its pointless trying to diet and exercise right now with all the changes in medication. You aren’t going to be able to do much about it until we get you stable.

 

Stable. We aren’t there yet. You are still in the figuring out what’s what and getting everything straightened out stage. You’re still adjusting to having this condition, and having to take medication twice every day and having to take life at a different pace.

But as always, instead of taking the psychiatrist’s words face value, I debated with myself and am still debating whether using that information is a cop out, and maybe I can do more about it than I think, and maybe I’m just being lazy and not trying etc. Typical!

But no, rest, relax, take advantage of this amazing time that you have. You’re young, you have time to fix your cholesterol, time to fix your weight, it doesn’t have to happen three weeks after changing doses of lithium! Sure, if you have the emotional and physical energy you can small changes now, but let’s resolve to postpone the big changes until 2015!

You’re in the recovery phase. You’re only job right now, is to recover. So off you go, recover. Rest, relax, enjoy, feast on this unexpected piece of time that’s been given to you, make the most of having very few responsibilities and hardly any “have to” claims on your time. Recovery.