Oh deary me!
A part of me, a small part, wants to say here we go again! But to be fair I’ve escaped this happening a lot more than I thought I would so I can’t really cry typical!
Ten days ago one of my very best friends got married. I went to the wedding; that’s pretty ipso facto.
To go to the wedding I had to buy a dress. This was not something that I was looking forward to, if I’m stating the case mildly. To say that I had a strong aversion to having to subject myself to shopping and fashion and sizes would be more accurate. I avoided it for as long as was physically possible and used every evasion tactic that I could before resigning myself to the inevitable, getting in the car and going shopping.
It wasn’t anything to do with the wedding. My friend was at the time happily engaged and I really liked her fiance and was super excited that they were getting married. It was nothing like me secretly not wanting to go to the wedding.
I’d even bought shoes months before in my excitement when I found this fabulous pair of red velvet stiletto pumps with frilly bits on the toes. I really love these shoes, they are so delightful! And they fit me perfectly, the platform height to heel height ratio was perfect making them comfortable, the fitting around the ball of the foot and toes was spot on, and putting them on turned me into a twirling glamorous model in my mind and in the mirror reflection if I squinted hard enough!
Oh that getting your shape to be what you dream of were as easy as putting on fabulous shoes! But if we didn’t have our figures to be discontented, unhappy, and to whinge about, what would life be? And imagine how the world would truly be if every person changed their appearance to be exactly what they wanted it to be. A whole lot of tall, thin, shapely people I’m guessing with no skin conditions whatsoever be it eczema, acne, sun spots, freckles etc.
But leaving all that dreaming aside, herein lies my issue. The fitting of clothing to my person. Or the non-fitting of clothes to my person, if we really get down to tin tacks!
I’ve put on a lot of weight, I’m somewhat disappointed in how I look if we’re unestimating and drastically detached in my mind if we’re overestimating. Meaning I feel like one thing, then the mirror rudely shoves a different picture over the nice one and I get a bit of an elbow in the stomach type feeling. And think again for the millionth time, remind me how this happened?
Of course it’s obvious: you eat too much, you put on weight.
There’s no rocket science in the bald facts. Where science isn’t so clear is in the ‘why’ of eating and the ‘how to stop’! I know why I eat most of the time: I like it, the taste is good and I want to experience that again, I’m sad, I don’t have any energy, it’s been a tough day. Somehow my brain has gotten me to believe that eating for any of these reasons, in other words for reasons other than actual hunger, is justified.
Then there is this difficult phenomenon is taking quetiapine (or olanzapine, or any of the other atypical, or typical for that matter, antipsychotics) with the tricks that it has up its sleeve that are hard to overcome. It makes you hungry. I knew that when I started, as a pharmacist.
As a pharmacist helping a patient start on a medication like this I had a speel that I’d tell them. Now you’ll notice in this leaflet about your medicine that it says it can cause weight gain. That is true, but the way that it does that is to make you feel hungry more often. So watching what you eat will help you to avoid putting on weight.
Yeah right Danika! Great story! What a load of hooey!
Watch what you eat you say; do you mean watch what you eat 20 minutes after you finish dinner when your mouth starts watering, your stomach starts rumbling and you feel famished even though you know consciously that you just ate a nutritious and filling meal?
Do you mean watch what you eat when you’ve eaten two pieces of thick rye toast with jam, drunken a glass of orange juice, a glass of water and eaten some cheese and you feel like you still haven’t eaten?
Do you mean watch what you eat when you’re halfway through a block of chocolate and you just can’t make yourself stop?
Do you mean watch what you eat when you’re prowling the house for food even though you know you shouldn’t but you’re just so restless from wanting to eat that you can’t sit still?
Do you mean watch what you eat then?
Moving on, the point being that watching what you eat, being carefully in what you eat, keeping an eye on how much you eat are all good things, but sometimes we just barge right through these great plans and into over-indulgence. It’s just what can happen. I don’t like it, I don’t want to admit it, I want to be someone who can survive on carrot sticks and hummus but my body and brain disagree.
Anyway so my avoidance strategy number one was internet shopping. My number one pick: Birdsnest! I love love love this site and have used it many times and couldn’t recommend it enough. So I bought three dresses, one was too small, one was too big, one was almost right in gorgeous colours but a bit flouncy which made me look even bigger! Not desirable but it could be a back up if I didn’t find anything else.
Strategy number two was Myer, David Jones and Emporium in the city. I tried going there for two weeks but my body would not have any part in that plan and just kept rebelling! So I gave that up as a bad idea; to be revisited in the event of me regaining some semblence of my previous weight/shape/size.
Strategy number three and the ultimately successful method was going to Brandsmart. I love love love Brandsmart and it has gotten even better lately with new stores. Like Blue Illusion which I’ve never shopped in before, but which yielded up not only the dress that I would wear for the wedding but another FABULOUS hot pink dress that I’m going to wear to death and probably die in, based on sheer probability.
I should point out that my this stage, the wedding was on Saturday and I was at Thursday afternoon! I didn’t have any feeling of stress, not anxiety, just interest to see what dress I would find. I just felt confident that there would be a dress there for me; I’d never left empty-handed before.
Fitting rooms: hate them. Overhead lighting: despise it. Small rooms where I bang my elbows and head and heads like a clumsy oaf: not a fan. Trying to try on clothes with hot lights overhead, a small space and emotional disarray is a poorly thought out combination that made me sweat before I even started!
Anyway job done and I was reasonably happy. It wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t perfect but I loved the colour and fabric and thought that together we made the best of a bad situation. Until today. I happened to catch up with a mutual friend of someone else who was at the wedding and they offered me congratulations. Congratulations on what I asked? Congratulations on your good news. Uh ha, umm, what good news? The umming and arrhing starting as they said oh well you know the good news, uh, the, well you were at that wedding weren’t you? Yes we were. Ah yes, well so-and-so said she saw you there and she said that you were expecting! I thought you must have told her!
And this is where the oh dear comes in! I laugh and say my usual line, no no I’m not pregnant, just fat. I’ve been unwell and put on a lot of weight. Don’t worry I know I look like I’m pregnant, but sorry I’m not! The poor thing was in all kinds of bother! Wait til I see so-and-so they said!
I left not long after, not because of that; I would have anyway and once I was in the car and driving home I got the giggles and started laughing my head off! I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. All the while telling myself that it isn’t funny, but the humorous side of it all just got to me and it was nice to have a good wholehearted belly laugh 🙂
It’s not ideal, or desirable, or where I want to be but this whole thing of head and body and guts and heart takes times to heal, time to recover, time to recuperate and I just have to be patient while doing the little that I can do!