It’s finally official.
The papers have been signed, keys handed over, cards taken back, electronic access removed, interview completed.
Done and done.
Going, going, gone. Just like that.
I, Danika Sanderson, as of the 14th of October, 2014 no longer have a job.
I am now unemployed.
Fully unemployed. Not like before when I got sick leave and regular contact with colleagues and had a job to go back to.
No, this time it’s different. This time there are no prospects of going back to paid work, no contracts giving me assurance that if I am fit for it, I could give it a go. No, there’s nothing.
And I have to say it’s pretty scary! I’m finding myself to be quite emotional and upset about walking away; about just leaving with no guarantee of returning.
I’m a think-of-the-consequences girl even when I don’t have raging anxiety, and my plan has always been to have a career that is essential and will always be needed, and to always have a long term position. I was extremely lucky to get a permanent position straight out of my internship and I was in that role for 4 years.
Taking the one year contract that just finished was my most risky move yet. And it’s really not that risky! Even inside that one year contract my plan was to apply for every full-time permanent position that came my way. Unfortunately the first position came up at the same time that I went down…so I was never able to do anything about it. Which has brought us to now.
The most important lesson I’ve learned as I’ve approached the end of work is that my idea of where I want to be (working full-time in the high turnover critical patient load environment of the emergency department, or as a close second best filling a full clinical role of the general medicine ward) is still a long long throw from where I actually am (barely holding down 3 shifts of 5 hours per week).
I keep coming up against this issue: I want to apply for the full-time permanent clinical pharmacist role, but I’m probably better suited to one day per week, if that!
Expectation versus real life. Dream versus reality. Hope versus experience. Fiction versus fact. Etc.
I suppose it continues to frustrate me that I’m not getting any closer to my overall goal with any great speed. I want to rush ahead and get there already. I want to be there so badly that I really feel like shoving through the tired and the anergy, to enter into ill-fated contracts and over-commit myself.
I’m so keen that it conveniently doesn’t occur to my brain at the same time that I wouldn’t last a day, let alone the week even if I happened to get the contract and commit myself. It doesn’t come to mind that I’ve spent literally months in bed in the last 6 months and although I’m up and about my brain certainly isn’t quite as sharp as it was. Nothing about the reality of my days ever seems to share the same space with my hopes for future days; I’m not sure why my brain works like this…but it’s something I need to sort out.
Time to move some furniture around and get hope and reality together at the dining table for a serious chat before I start looking at my future plans!