Revolt

*WARNING (and spoiler alert): contains self-induced vomiting*

12th April, 2017

From one drama to the next! Honestly! Did I learn nothing from yesterday? The whole phone thing? Nothing about being careful and deliberate in my actions?

See, I have this system. Yeah right! A system is useless unless you stick to the system. Which I mostly do, but mostly isn’t really enough when there’s a system involved. You stick to the system, or you don’t.

This system involves my medications. I’ve probably been over this but I have a nice purple medicine box with 4 rows. One row for my morning tablets, one empty row, one row of 3 valproate tablets for each night still in their original foil because they go smooshy when exposed to air, and the final row for the rest of my night tablets. The valproate for the evening doesn’t fit with the other tablets, hence its own row, but the morning single valproate tablet fits it, hence the empty row. I have carefully marked the morning tablets, and the night tablets so that I can’t get confused. Plus there’s the fact that I unwrap one valproate tablet in the morning and three valproate tablets in the evening. The morning row has red and pink capsules of venlafaxine and 3 little white tablets; the evening row has a dark red iron tablet, a little pink cholesterol reducing tablet, and three chunky quetiapine tablets, apart from the lithium that is in both morning and evening. They are different, the morning and the night tablets; clearly distinguishable. They are not the same. If you take the time to notice, which I periodically don’t! Theoretically, I check all the tablets lying in my palm, to make sure every one is present and accounted for before swallowing them down. I have a list written on the back of the box telling me exactly what should and shouldn’t be there, for reference. But I’ve been on this same combination of tablets for well over 6 months now, and I’m very careful when I pack the box, supposed to be anyway, so sometimes I just pop the tablets and scull them down, get it over with!

Like yesterday. Before I knew what I was doing I had opened 3 valproate tablets, shaken out the dark red and pink tablets, noticed subconsciously the big chunky tablets, and sculled the lot! Even though it should have been obvious that I was taking the wrong tablets: wrong compartment, wrong colours, wrong amount. It took about 20 seconds to get that same shot through the gut as I had yesterday when I realised that I’d lost my phone. I knew then, consciously, that I’d really stuffed this one up!! It has happened before, once I think, but seriously! What was I thinking? And here’s the thing, I wasn’t. I was on auto pilot, distracted and that’s how it all blows up in your face. What’s the big deal? Those 3 valproate tablets, plus the 3 quetiapine tablets, they’s the big deal. They are basically my sleeping tablets, and here I’ve taken them 10 o’clock in the morning! They aren’t actually prescribed for sleeping, they are mood stabilisers but this is their major side effect. Any other day I’d just resign myself to going back to bed and sleeping them off, but not today.

Because there’s something else that I haven’t told you. I’ve got a job!!

I was going to save the excitement for my official start date on 29th April, however this happened, and on the first day that I’m going in to do the official orientation and get all of my paperwork sorted! I have a 4 hour shift starting in an hour and I’ve just taken my sleeping pills by accident/carelessness!! You can see the problem here. First impressions and all that, I don’t want to call in sick for my very first shift; I’m determined to be there and on time and get this job off to a good start. I don’t want to have to go home sick part way through the shift because I can’t keep my eyes open. I definitely don’t want anyone to think I’m under the influence, or unfit for work! That would be extremely unfortunate! Not just for this job, but for my career; the pharmacy board frowns heavily on pharmacists using any substance while on duty, oddly enough. So, what to do? I think you can see where we’re going now.

The ONLY way to try to prevent the sleepy pills doing what sleepy pills do is to get them out of my stomach before they are released from my stomach to my intestines, and absorbed into my bloodstream, making their insidious way to my poor brain. The only way to get them out of my stomach is to induce vomiting!! Honestly, I cannot think of a more revolting, horrifying task to have on ones hands than this. I don’t think I have ever made myself vomit before. I recognise now how compelling a disease bulimia is to convince you that this is a way to live. To me it is extremely repugnant. But what are my options here? It took a lot of psyching myself up for it, and a couple of false starts, don’t ask me how, but we got going. Here’s the killer: I ended up throwing up my entire breakfast which I’d had an hour and a half ago, yet there wasn’t a sign of the tablets and orange juice from 10 minutes ago. Here is the cleverness of your stomach. It knows that its job is to break down food into smaller pieces so that your intestines can do their job. But there’s nothing to break down in fluids, so your stomach lets them right past. In that 10 minute period, my stomach had already released all the fluid/orange juice, and the tablets with it, and they were gone. That whole disgusting, humiliating, distressing episode, for nothing!!

What next? Well, its time to go to work. Fingers crossed that I can handle this and get through what I need to get through.

Here’s the odd things about my sleepy pills. When I first started taking them I would be dead to the world within 30 minutes, or less. Honestly, I would take them and immediately get upstairs to bed because within 10 minutes all of the muscles in my legs would be jelly and I couldn’t step up a stair if I was being chased by an axe wielding madman! My arms would be equally useless. A couple of times I got into bed and then needed to go to the toilet. I would bounce off the wall, my bed, the dresser, my bed, the wardrobe, the bedroom door, the bathroom door and back again! I’m sure it looked completely hilarious from my husband’s point of view but I couldn’t even see straight, let alone have control of my legs. My eyes would go evil vampire red because of how much the medicine dried them out. Basically I was gone for the night. And I got the best sleep! I was drugged out really. And of course as my dose went up the effect continued.

But over time, as the dose has steadied out, I’ve become more tolerant. I don’t get that drugged out feeling now, and I can stay up sometimes for a couple of hours after taking my night tablets. On occasion it does make me drowsy enough to start blinking heavily, struggling a bit to keep my eyes open, but if I really want to I can keep them open; it doesn’t overpower me like it did before. It still helps to give me a good nights sleep, and without it I sleep pretty lightly and spasmodically. As I experienced last night, because after taking my night dose in the morning, I had to take my morning dose of valproate at night to keep the balance, and one tablet isn’t enough to sedate me; plus I had no quetiapine in my system.

So, I took the wrong dose, and didn’t manage to catch it before it got into my system. And now I have to go to work. Well this should be fun! Here’s hoping I can fight the effects for more than a couple of hours.

Okay, next strategy: a large Coke, no ice from Maccas. Hopefully the caffeine will do something!! I drove all the way to work (I was questioning whether that was a great plan, but I felt fine at this stage) feeling okay, until the last 5 minutes when that warm, fuzzy, about to go to bed for the night feeling settled in. I got a little lightheaded on standing, slightly dizzy if I turned my head quickly, and just plain drowsy. My eyes wanted to shut and go to sleep, my thoughts got a bit thicker, I was trying not to speak slower. I hope to goodness I managed to pull off looking as enthusiastic and committed as I wanted to. But there was a big challenge waiting for me. Most of the 4 hour shift involved sitting at a bench reading policies and procedures and signing off on them, and doing orientation quizzes on the computer!! I mean, seriously! Of all the days in the world, I really needed a stimulating day today, and I got reading of less than riveting material!! I think I pulled it off, I mean I got it all done, but I have no way of knowing whether I was doing it way slower than usual, a bit slower than usual, or how many micro sleeps I had sitting there at that bench! Luckily the chair was very uncomfortable so that keep a bit of an edge on my alertness, and after 2 hours when my supervisor went for lunch, I went out and got an iced coffee with plenty of sugar! I think that did help a bit to keep me going for another couple of hours! Plus the fresh air was good.

Yikes!! What a day! But I did survive, somehow, by some miracle, and I’m going back on Tuesday after the Easter break. To be continued.

Did I come home and go straight to bed? Yep, you betcha! A couple of hours sleep did wonders. Usually I can go straight back to sleep at night after an afternoon sleep because of my night tablets so I did struggle a bit getting to, and staying asleep without them. But I didn’t struggle catastrophically. I think I actually had a pretty good night’s sleep in the end, although I was awake from 5am on the dot this morning, Thursday 13th April.

I can’t double up once I’ve taken the tablets, even if they were the wrong tablets. So what’s the plan to get back on track from here? Most of my tablets can only be take once in 24 hours meaning I can’t take night tablets again today. So I’ll take my morning ones tonight, then my morning ones in the morning (the morning doses are smaller so it won’t be such a big deal taking them back to back) and my night ones tomorrow night; then I’ll be back on track. Until then I’m sniffing my head off because of the longer gap in between doses of quetiapine, from morning one day to evening the next. It usually dries me out so sniffing is unusual and annoying! Apart from that, and the obvious drowsiness there shouldn’t be any consequences from stuffing this up, luckily. When you take the same medication all the time, a one off dose mix up doesn’t tend to affect your overall medication levels enough for issues to arise.

And here it is 7am and I’ve written this blog and I’m ready for breakfast, bright and early. I could possibly be very productive without those night tablets, but it wouldn’t be worth it for my mood. Ah the catch 22’s in mental health treatment! 

So, have I learnt my lesson in being more careful? I’d like to hope so, but I find the lesson only lasts as long as my memory of it, and that’s a whole other story!

Downer

When  you suffer with anxiety or depression in any of their various forms, it doesn’t take much to get you down. In fact it takes a lot to keep you up!

I find this with a million stupid little things that turn a perfectly good day into a gloomy do! Usually its something that I’ve done that I’m annoyed at myself for, and I just can’t let myself off the hook about it. My husband can just cruise through these things and flick them off, just like water off a ducks back, as the cliche goes; it also helps that he doesn’t seem to make dumb errors in the first place! We have a joke that he’s always right…and it’s nearly always true! But I find myself berating myself over and over inside my head, mentally abusing myself for being so idiotic, self flagellating for my mistakes and lack of memory, or of thought, or of judgement. That just can’t make for a happy day.

I spent a lot of time with a psychologist when I first got sick and one of the main points of therapy involved reframing my thoughts, and interrupting a snowballing chain of thoughts. Reframing means to look at a situation and how you usually react, and try to consciously change your reaction to it so that you put yourself through less stress and hurt, and therefore are more well mentally. Interrupting a snowballing thought process means recognising when you’re starting down a line of negative thinking that is escalating to the dramatic and trying to stop it early, while its something that can be dealt with, before you’re almost to the point of a panic attack. I spent a lot of time working on this, and when you consciously and deliberately look at your thoughts, you do recognise a lot earlier where you can intervene and save yourself a lot of drama! Having said that, it does take a lot of energy to do this at the beginning. It gets to take a little less effort as you get more used to it, and you have less of these thoughts because of dealing with them in a better way. Eventually its more of a habit, but as soon as you think to yourself that you do it automatically and don’t need to put so much effort in, it can creep back in.

It is almost indispensable to have another person around who understands the work that you are trying to do with your head, and who can remind you what to do when you’re working yourself (unintentionally) into a bit of a tizzy! Someone who can remind you to breathe, that the drastic thoughts you’re having are just that: drastic thoughts; and of the techniques that you’ve learnt. I say it all the time but I have the utmost admiration for people on their own dealing with their beast. Kudos, and I don’t know how you do it!

Today started out as a great day. I had a good ride with my Wheel Women. We rode from Docklands to the pink lake in Westgate Park and back, and I had a superb raspberry jam donut (apparently it’s a “bombolini” according to this bakery) to top it off! I also had one of those San Pellegrino chinotto flavoured sodas in lieu of my usual Coke; that was not a highlight! Tastes like medicine!

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I was planning on doing a bit of extra riding today. I had planned to ride from Hawthorn velodrome to the start point of the Wheel Women ride, and then ride back there after the finish of the ride to add in some extra ks, but a little glitch with snoozing the alarm prevented me! Sometimes that would be enough to get me down, but I smiled through that mix up. I mean, just the fact that I wanted to do extra ks is a pretty good indicator that I’m sitting well up on the scale of blue.

I got to the start almost on time, and marvelled with everyone else at how stunningly beautiful Docklands and the water looked in the unexpected sunshine and after the rain. I really expected to get a bit wet with rain today after 2 days of LOTS of rain, but we lucked out. It was beautiful through the whole ride, and we agreed we could just keep riding and riding on a day like this where it was cool so we wouldn’t overheat, dry so we didn’t get cold with wet, not windy…perfect! Shame about me not getting up on time to do the extra riding; it would have been the ideal day for it. Oh well, let’s enjoy the ride I’ve got going on right now, instead of worrying about what I’ve missed. And there is some great re-framing and preventing of snowballing thoughts! And so the ride was just lovely!

And then, the error. The trigger.

Stupidly (it’s always stupidly by the way) I put my phone on the roof of my car.

I know!

Always a first. And last. Then some other first. Or another first if I just haven’t learnt my lesson. And so on.

3 blocks down the road from my car park, I went to put my phone in the holder and an adrenaline shot went right through my gut! I instantly KNEW what I’d done! On the bonus side, I’d been creeping along slowly since leaving the car park, hadn’t cracked 40kmph, maybe not even 30kmph…maybe it was still on the roof?!?

No!

Dulp!!

So back I go to re trace my wheels. I couldn’t get there fast enough; itching at every red light and pedestrian crossing until I got back to where I had been parked. There was a ute there now, so I got out and checked under it for my phone, once, twice etc. Then I carefully drove even slower where I’d driven already, retracing, scanning the street and gutters, wishing, hoping and more.

And back around again, and a third time! Nothing!! ARGH!!

And that’s how it starts. The adrenaline shot depletes a bit of your good mood, the persistent bad results of looking and not finding get you down more, knowing this is all your stupid fault hacks away at your confidence and suddenly you’re berating yourself and the day is not the same day it was before. It’s plummeting down through the levels of good into mediocre and before you know it, it’s not a good day anymore.

Although lately, I’ve been well, and more resilient. I knew this about myself, but this incident proved it without doubt.

I was SO bummed out over this stupid accident which should never have happened in the first place! How could I have been so thick as to put my phone on the roof?? I knew it was a bad idea, and I did it anyway. Who does that?? Typical! I make a rule, and I break my own rule, and of COURSE this is what happens! It’s okay to put the keys on the roof, because you can’t leave without them. But your phone? Idiot!

This is how my thinking goes, left to its own devices. Berating, accusing, bullying, incredulous of myself, throwing insults.

This is where the challenge lies. Putting my psychologist’s knowledge into practice in this moment and not letting the snowballing of negative thoughts get off to a head start. Re-framing the thoughts: instead of calling myself an idiot and stupid and dumb, realise that accidents happen (even if it’s often and always to me!) and this was just that, an accident, and give yourself a break!

So, having proved that my phone cannot be found and doesn’t seem to be anywhere that it should be, I head home. On the way I think of half a dozen reasons why having my phone right now would be so good: to find out the best route home, to take a photo of the city shining in the sun, to pop a starter note for this blog into my notes section, to check my calendar for what else I’m meant to be doing today, to use the Optus app to put my phone plan on hold, to call my hubby and let him know about my phone!! It really is my right hand and its going to be a bit painful without it. Stupid, stup…no, we agreed: not stupid; unfortunate. Accidental. Breathe.

But then, halfway through sliding down the blue scale into the depths, I slowed up and stopped. I stopped. That hasn’t really happened before. And it wasn’t like I put a heap of work into it, into stopping my thoughts. But my head is just in a better place lately, and this didn’t seem to be as big of a deal as similar events have been before, where I could wrap myself in guilt and grief for a whole day. Now I was stopped somewhere around the “okay” mark, still realising the inconvenience and bother I’d caused myself, but not fatalistic like many times before. What is this new feeling? Is this being well? Could it be?

I got home and flicked a message off to hubby about being out of phone contact. Then got out one of my comforters and I was pleasantly surprised that before long I was smiling and feeling quite serene about the whole thing! What is this? It was still annoying etc but it didn’t feel like it was taking up my whole world with distraught stress but like it was just one part of the picture. I like this feeling!

I believe that this is how you know you’re well. You can recover from events that happen, instead of collapsing into various levels of despair and misery. I’m not sure how this state came about, but I feel like the chemicals in my brain are finally aligned and things are just easier. It’s very exciting!! To say the least.

As to what happened with my phone? Hubby told me all the things I could do and so I went through Google’s ‘find my phone’ function online (just search for it) and I used that to lock my phone, to put a message on the lock screen to say please return my phone and to give the number to call, and to track my phone. I have to say that was the most satisfying and frustrating part, watching someone driving my phone along. It travelled the Bass Hwy towards Phillip Island via the koala park, and then stopping at the Nobbies, and I was unable to do a single thing about it!! But it was awesome to be able to watch them in the first place. I made a full report to the police and they were very helpful. But then my husband got a phone call from the person who picked it up: turns out they were a coach driver who found the phone in Docklands super close to where I’d driven past, and they planned to bring it back the next day! How kind and honest! So all’s well that ends well in the end. My husband biked from his work into the city in his lunchtime to pick up the phone, and everything is as it should be once again.

Lessons to be learned:

  1. Do NOT put your mobile phone on the roof of your car in any circumstances!
  2. Do leave your GPS function on so that you can track your phone if you ever lose it, it was accurate down to 6 metres at one point
  3. Do be aware of Google’s find your phone functions
  4. Ideally always have your screen locked, but know that you can lock it remotely in an emergency
  5. One day, after so much pain, stress, medication, therapy and time, you will be well again. Believe.

Wheel Women

This past week, and the week before that, were all about the bike. And the women. And the rides. And the cafes. Put it all together and it’s a winning formula; there is almost nothing I could recommend more! And it’s all due to the women’s cycling group Wheel Women. Have I mentioned them before? Once, twice?? But they’re always worth another mention or more because they do amazing work getting us women on bikes and keeping us there.

I have to say that my involvement with (possibly read: dependence on) Wheel Women is one of the main reasons why going to Canberra for 3 months from September to December 2016 was hard, and why coming home was so good. I really didn’t know if I’d keep up riding in Canberra without my supportive group. Wheel Women’s director kindly put me onto a cyclist in Canberra, but her group was more of a mountain bike club, and the road cycling group she referred me to rode at 6am on a weekday; enough said! She offered some one on one rides, but in the end I sort of bumbled around until I found a few places on my own. It was a nice offer though.

Of course I took my bike, helmet, cycle computer, bike clothes and other accessories (there a lots of add on products that you “need” when you start riding!!) with me to Canberra. But having the stuff with me, and actually using it are two different things. I’ve proved this before. Having to think out where to go, how to get there, what the route will be like, what to do if I got stuck halfway due to accident or mechanical, if I’m up for it etc becomes a barrier very easily. With Wheel Women, organised rides are thought out, planned and advertised by someone else. All I have to do is turn up at a specific place and time and follow the leader; that holds a lot of the attraction for me to keep up riding, I’ll admit. Is that laziness? Maybe. But it’s a winning, working formula and I think it’s an attraction for a lot of us Wheel Women members. I did try to find some new riding locations in Canberra, and I fell in love with Lake Burley Griffin and its surrounding bike paths so that kept me going on rides a bit. A few local rides to brunch or dinner, to sightseeing near our place etc made up the rest of the rides, twenty in all; not terrific for 90 odd days but hey I did something more than look at my bike on the verandah!

As much as I was looking forward to riding with Wheel Women again when I got home to Melbourne, I didn’t get straight back into it because we were away a lot during January; but now that I’m back into it, I feel like I never left. It has amazed me though how quickly your bike fitness diminishes when you aren’t regularly riding. You really do have to do a couple of rides a week to maintain your level, and it is worth maintaining that level of activity so the next bike ride feels better. But on the plus side, it only takes a couple of rides to get back to where you were; it’s a constant state of flux.

What has been the most wonderful thing about returning to Wheel Women rides, aside from the excellent rides, is the response of Wheel Women members. I’m not saying I’m anyone special, or trying to be pompous, or blowing my own horn but the lovely, sweet response I’ve received to being back on rides has been overwhelming. I honestly don’t know whether I feel more humbled or thrilled or excited or overjoyed or loved at each next ride. Catching with my old friends and being welcomed back so warmly; meeting new members and striking up new relationships. Man, it is SUCH a great group of people. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a group of women that are so unanimously supportive of each other, tolerant of others at a lower level, encouraging to all, utterly friendly and so focused on building each other up regardless of individual personalities. It’s such a privilege to be part of Wheel Women!

So, here I am back riding with my cycling group and loving it! But it’s not a group that you make friends and develop relationships with, it’s each of the special women that have made my day each time I’ve gone out riding with them. These women are really special treasures: women who’ve overcome their fears, their past experience, their lack of experience, other people’s unhelpful opinions, their weight, their age and more to tackle what is essentially a sport but for most has become a means to transport, to a broader social life, to permanent skills and, most importantly, to independence. Who knew that so many benefits could come out of trying out cycling?

I certainly had no idea of the depth of experience and privilege I would come to experience when I started cycling with Wheel Women. I wanted to attempt to start bike riding again; that was my entire ambition. A few years hiatus from cycling followed a bad fall off my bike onto my chin and hand, narrowly missing falling into a 3 lane road in peak traffic. This left me shaken and lacking confidence to return to commuting to the train station to travel into uni. Several years down the track, I was off work on sick leave but having been used to working hard, full time I wanted to do something, anything, to fill in a little time in my week. My hubby was riding lots, commuting to work every weekday, long rides on Saturdays and 2 or 3 early start weekday rides plus any other chance he got. I thought it would be nice to get started back on my bike slowly before attempting anything too drastic with him. Knowing my fitness wasn’t great, and I’d recently stacked on a LOT of weight, I wanted a quiet, friendly environment without too much expectation and did I get a lucky break falling into Wheel Women’s arms! They wrote and taught the 8 week program administered by another agency, and so I was involved with them right from Day One. A very good way to start. I’ve talked about some of those early days before and you can read about it in my other blogs.

Today I want to share the rides I’ve done in this 2 week period. Between the beginning of the week before last and the end of last week (a fortnight all up) I have done 7 bike rides, each and every one of them has been with Wheel Women.  I should say that this is the most I’ve EVER ridden in a similar period. It’s also the only time I’ve gotten on my bike to do a ride THREE days in a row. So I’m kicking goals, as they say, which is not the point of the piece, but I just wanted to make sure you realise that this isn’t a typical or usual or expected run of rides. All the same, I’m thrilled that I did it all, and it’s more points on some fictitious blackboard somewhere out there in the universe that tells me whether I’m doing good or not. I’m doing good! Brain, take note. You seem to very easily let the good things slip through the net while retaining the smallest bad things for my constant reminding. Well, here are some solid facts for you as proof that I can do it, okay?

13th Warburton rail trail, 34.5km

Chatting to Alicia at Woori Yallock

This is cycling to me – riding with my friends and chatting at any opportunity

15th Moonee Ponds Creek trail, Upfield bike path, Capital City trail, 18.5km

Mixed business cafe with the girls

The face of cycling to me – smiles, happiness, water, and a new cafe menu to check out

17th Specialized sale, Capital City trail, Moonee Ponds Creek trail, 16.5km

oo ooh so much stuff

RIDING to a BIKE clothes sale with my BIKE buddies and shopping for BIKE stuff galore…now how to get it home??

18th Otway and Great Ocean Road classic, 30.5km

yep struggling a bit

This is Wheel Women – when the going gets tough, there is always someone beside you keeping you company, someone at the top of the hill encouraging you to get there, someone behind you letting you know you aren’t being left behind and someone at the finish line cheering. It inspires me to dig deeper.

 

23rd Merri Creek trail, Main Yarra trail, 25km

me and kathy

Friends on every ride

24th Williamstown, Maribyrnong River trail, Bay trail west, 30.5km

Classy ladies Sylvia, Robyn, Judy, Alicia, Lyn

We ride, we find thrones…what can we do but be glorious, Lycra-clad queens of cycling?

25th The Women’s Ride, Gardiner Creek trail, 13km

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The aqua and purple team of Wheel Women teaching 30 women how to change a flat tyre after a ride along the Gardiner Creek trail – what a terrific morning!

That’s 168.5km all up in a fortnight in case anyone is counting. I’m sort of stuck at the 30km per ride mark which is my next thing to tackle, alongside mastering hills. But it’s not really the point is it? The point is the company, the enjoyment, the fresh air, the friendship, the new cafes, the new sights and places; the personal achievements are kind of a lovely bonus.

P.S. Aren’t you glad there are keen photographers around to capture all my best moments?! All photo credit to the Wheel Women Facebook page, most likely to a coach or ride leader, or fellow member. Enjoy!

 

Canberra Day 96: the final day

[Friday 16th December]

Well here it is, the last day in Canberra! For me anyway.

Can you believe it?? I can’t!

I’m in a bit of a cranky mood: if my husband has to come right back to Canberra early Monday morning, why are we driving all the way home this weekend, when he’ll have to go straight back? Why not just have both of us stay the extra week? But I don’t get a say so pack the car and keep quiet! Hubby doesn’t need the extra stress.

Today I have one last catch up for morning tea with an old friend that I’ve become reacquainted with here in Canberra. I just wish there was more time, but gotta fit in what I can fit in and live with that.

Today there’s just one thing on my tourist list, and I’ve been waiting a LONG time for this. The Music at Midday concert is finally here. I turned up a month ago on a date mix up so it has felt extra long waiting for this! Luckily it could be squeezed in before I left. This is a Christmas concert, a real Christmas concert with actual carols and jingle bells, played by the Australian Federation Band at the Canberra Theatre! Finally I get to hear the band again!! And a bonus: a terrific singer who gets right into the spirit of things. The minus is that I’m the youngest person in the audience by roughly 40 years!! Really? I know it’s a week day, but there has to be someone out there in my age bracket interested in great music played by a talented band. But it was a great show, the hour was over in a flash and I just loved it.

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Unfortunately that’s the fun part of the day over. Now I need to clean the apartment (lucky its small!), empty the bins, distribute the leftover food and household supplies we had to buy for this place, and get ready for lock up and leave. Surreal really. Can it truly be over? Are we really finished here?

And then all that’s left is to get in the car and go! We’re just going a couple of hours tonight to stay at Lake Jindabyne so hubby can get in a nice long road ride in the morning to blow out the cobwebs, and of course I’ll look for birds anywhere. Then we’ll figure out our way from there. We didn’t get to say goodbye to everyone, because of being away last weekend, so I’m sorry about that but let’s hope we meet again. Til then, friends. The grand Canberra adventure is over.

Canberra Day 95

[Thursday 15th December]

Today I have to bite the bullet and start packing! I thought we’d be here a bit longer because hubby’s work isn’t finished but our rental apartment ends this weekend so I guess we going home! I’ve got to sort out our mail redirection too, it’s been an utter mess since we moved out of our family’s place into our own apartment – to date we still haven’t received a piece of correctly addressed mail despite many phone calls. Anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter now cos all the redirection will be cancelled. But its been a bit hopeless.

I didn’t put too much on my ticket today because of all the packing, but I am doing a tour of the Old Parliament House rose garden in the drizzle. Myself and another lady were booked earlier in the week but the guide never showed; some administration issue apparently. So there are gardens on each side of House and they were designed with the politicians in mind for their rest and recuperation when they weren’t sitting. There aren’t many things more relaxing than strolling through a rose garden so I think it was well intended. There are some themes that run through the garden including sections dedicated to a particular politician or wife, and different varieties and pedigrees of roses, plus bowls and paths and arch ways. It’s beautiful really, just wish I could fit in another visit. The photo doesn’t do it justice; it was raining.

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Then I picked up a free National Gallery of Australia highlights tour, which looked through the sky space , went through various collections, overlooked the fern garden and some of the sculpture garden and was a terrific glance over everything. I went back over a few collections, but time being of the essence it was time to keep moving.

Later in the day I went back around the embassies to get some photos. When we did the driving tour earlier in our time here I just enjoyed it without taking photos. So I had fun taking some photos until I got near the USA embassy then I got emphatically shooed off! They are very touchy!

So, I’ve just about fitted in as much as I can here, and tomorrow is the last day for me! Hubby has to fly back up on Monday morning for another week but he’s not getting any free time at the moment, so I doubt he’ll be getting any tourist attractions. Til tomorrow!

Canberra Day 94

[Wednesday 14th December]

Well today was a terrible day career-wise, nothing fatal but nothing fun, so it’s a good thing that I’m in Canberra with a licence to explore and enjoy new experiences.

I’m having some issues with the Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency (AHPRA) that manages the registration of 14 different health professionals, including pharmacists. Previously we had our own pharmacy board, but in 2010 several boards were amalgamated and now we are managed jointly. This new organisation, AHPRA, manages our annual registration including our compulsory continuing professional development (CPD) requirements, whilst another organisation manages the regulation of pharmacies and pharmacy departments. All very boring and tedious, until your annual registration comes up against a problem. In my case a CPD problem. Each year between October 1st and September 30th, every registered pharmacist in Australia now has to achieve 40 hours of CPD to qualify to be re-registered. After the amalgamation the amount of CPD to be achieved began as 20 hours and increased over a couple of years. Its pretty standard now, and pretty achievable if you’re working, which is the point; to keep you up to date.

I first went on sick leave in March 2014 and stayed on sick leave for several months before I dragged my reluctant body back to work only part time for 6 weeks in September/October that year to complete my contract at the Alfred, in the vain hope that I would build up professional fitness quick enough to convince my workplace that I was fit and well to work and be re-hired. I was desperately hoping to stay on because I loved that job. It was a joke looking at it now; there was no way I was even fit for the very part time work I was doing then let alone more. But the point being, between October 1st 2013 and September 30th 2014, the annual CPD year, I worked 6 months and work generates CPD as does starting a new job as does changing positions within a job all of which applied to me. So even at the 6 month mark when I got sick I had oodles of CPD numbering probably around 50 or 60 hours. So I finished my feeble 6 weeks in dispensary, ended my contract and went back to bed.

By the time I got going again and went back to work, it was July of 2015. Already up to 9 out of 12 months of the CPD year, and to be honest, to this point CPD hadn’t even crossed my mind! A little teensy nervous breakdown and the associated issues had occupied the major part of my brain for months on end and work had just gone away. Even now returning to work I was conscious of the need to get up to date with the many new drugs and devices that had hit the market in the last year and a bit, but I hadn’t thought particularly of my CPD requirements with respect to my registration. I did all the required new job CPD, I did study on things that were relevant, I recorded it all and never really thought of whether I was making the 40 hour amount. Which is unfortunate, because I didn’t make it! I got 25 hours, not 40.

And there is no clause for people on sick leave. Or for people not working. You’re either practising or not practising. So, in November 2015 when I was re-registering as a pharmacist and got to the compulsory question about whether I had completed 40 hours in the previous year, I had to answer in the negative as in I did NOT meet the CPD requirements. And I won’t say that all hell broke loose, but all kinds of official pharmacy correspondence started flying around the web and through the postal service, and today is just another step in the painful process that is rectifying the situation! I’m not complaining about having to fix this up; I should have to. I’m a health professional and patients need to be sure of me being up to date and on top of the latest drugs and professional practice. I’m just complaining about the amazing bureaucracy that prevails in these matters! It is not easy to show that you have done your best to fix it, that you’ve learnt your lesson, and that you’ll do better in the future. Especially if you’re out of work again, because things just don’t come up when you’re not dispensing and reviewing medications on a daily basis. You have to actively look for things, and it’s just harder. But it’s part of my commitment and I have to just get on with it. So I’m off to send yet another email, which will probably get yet another “out of office” reply, followed by an actual reply sometime in the next two weeks or so telling me that there’s yet another technicality that I haven’t met because I was never told about it, followed by another email from me phrased very conservatively despite my inner rage and so on. You get the drill!

So there’s that, and following that the awful words “we’re terminating you”!! Seriously?! I went back to work officially in June 2015 with a fixed term 9 month contract. I guess I always assumed that there would be a possibility for extension at the end, assuming they liked me and my work was up to scratch etc. But no, despite putting me through two traditional interviews and a non traditional observation of practice interview I was never successful in getting an extension. So I was told I would be put on the casual list and they’d call me, which they never have but that suited me lately being in Canberra and all. So now out of the blue I get a call to say sorry, it’s just a HR thing but because you haven’t worked for us in 3 months we have to terminate you!! I’m sorry, what?! I’m costing you zip, I’m (usually) a resource available at short notice a 4 minute walk away, and if this was always a HR thing, why didn’t you just say goodbye at the end of my contract, instead of giving me an impression that I’d be called up to work?? So when I get back I have to return my keys and it’s all over. Well what a wake up!! Could this day get worse for my career?

Luckily I have good things planned so let’s off to the High Court to observe other people getting the rough end of the stick, potentially. I won’t pretend to understand the case that was being argued but the solemnity and the ceremony of it all was very impressive and the two counsels arguing were humorous in their own way, especially one who referred to “my learned friend” at the beginning or end of every sentence! I’m pretty sure even the 5 judges were smiling under their wigs. A bit of light relief, and I’m glad that becoming a lawyer was never on my list. I took my fill then left, remembering to pause and bow to the judges on my way out!

And now to really flush all that career mess out of my system!! I’ve been looking forward to this christmas concert by Igitur Nos at the National Library for a couple of weeks now. Turns out it wasn’t quite what I was expecting…more classical music, Latin and high brow Christmas songs than your typical carols. But it was pretty nice. Then a drive by a few places of interest: the historical and very pink Calthorpes House, and a few embassies.

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Lucky I have a lovely catch up with a friend after lunch. Nothing so soothing as hanging out with a friendly face and chatting away the afternoon. A super cute little baby helps just a little bit too! Happy day…in the end.

Canberra Day 93

[Tuesday 13th December]

Alright lovely readers, we’re on fire! So let’s keep it moving with the next Canberra day; promise we don’t have far til the end.

Today is a bit about goodbyes. The days are increasingly more about leaving and less about Canberra but I’m still fitting a few things in. I had lunch today with a new friend who has been super lovely to me and hubby while we’ve been in Canberra, and we had a great time catching up, albeit for the last time. I also realised that I’ve gotten behind in keeping family and friends up to date so I wrote some postcards, and then bought a few souvenirs to remind me of the experiences we’ve had. As I was popping into the souvenir store at National Portrait Gallery I saw that they had a new exhibit: this one was digital so photos of it don’t do it justice, but some incredible talent in short videos.

I started thinking today about things I needed to organise before I get home: firstly make an appointment with my psychiatrist for the first time in nearly 4 months! He gets booked a month or two in advance so no time like the present to make sure I can see him soon after I get home. I can’t believe that its been 3 months without meeting with him. I guess it shows how far I’ve come that I went off to Canberra so cheerfully knowing that I wouldn’t be able to see him for at least 3 months. Any early in the piece and I wouldn’t have been prepared to go more than a month without seeing him. It helped a lot that I have his mobile number and have the okay to call at any time, definitely. And hey, I’ve survived 3 months without any debrief or counselling. It’s not something I’d recommend but I’m pleased that I got through it, and got through it pretty well. But nevertheless I’ll be glad to touch base again.

Today I had a couple of things I wanted to do. First off was yet another trip to the National Library which has been a surprising treasure trove of interesting exhibits and fascinating behind-the-scenes insights. Today I’m checking out an exhibit of Robert Ingpen called Wonderlands. Does it sound random to you? Maybe it wouldn’t be if you saw his paintings, or illustrations, in such books as Wind in the Willows, Alice in Wonderland, Pinocchio, Tom Sawyer and more. He’s a genius artist and the display was wonderful, if brief. And of course I had to poke my nose into The Sell exhibit once again; can’t get enough of cheesy advertising!

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Alice in Wonderland

I also wanted to walk next door and sit in on the High Court, but unfortunately they had concluded earlier in the day; much earlier at 11am. But hey, why not have a look around at the courts while I’m here, especially as you can’t take photos while the court is sitting, but you can photograph the rooms empty. And I have to say, the staff at the High Court couldn’t be more lovely and helpful! I highly recommend making time to talk to them if you visit. They have such a mental dossier of interesting facts and figures about the courts, the judges, past cases, upcoming cases, history of the courts, the decor…really anything that you’d ever want to know!! Just ask; you won’t be sorry.

Then on the way home I drove around the rear of Parliament House, an area you don’t see in pictures or in person much at all. Turns out, Australian Federal Police don’t really like you seeing it, at least not if you pause the car and take photos!! First time being pulled over by federal police! Oops! That’s an experience I don’t have the nerves to go through again. They were perfectly lovely and just asked me to keep driving, but still, flashing lights and the word “federal” have a way of pushing your heart rate up!

Last and most important job of the day: take dinner to Chester at work. This poor guy is working his butt off 60 hours a week at the moment, and barely seeing daylight!! They just will not extend the deadline despite the extremely poor chance of it reasonably being met. So we’re going down the path of it being unreasonably met! I say we: I’m not really doing anything, but I feel terribly about it, even while swanning around enjoying myself.