Progress

16th August 2014

Dear friends,

It’s been a while! My apologies. Would you believe that the reason for this is that I’m moving on, happily living my life? Joyfully and happily I can tell you that this is the new way of life here around about me. It’s very exciting and I’m very relieved because for a fair while there I just wasn’t sure how it was all going to come together for me.

I read a meme recently that said that depression lies and I can absolutely concur with that!
Depression lies.
It tells you that you’ll never be happy again.
It tells you moreover that you CAN’T and WON’T be happy ever again.
It tells you that there is no change that you can make, no addition or retraction that will make enough difference to lift you up into an acceptable life.
It tells you not to bother, it’s not going to make a difference anyway so it’s all pointless.
Might as well just lie down and wait for the inevitable end.
In fact, why not help yourself out and hasten that end, save yourself and everyone else a lot of feeble meanderings and bother, all for nothing; just get it over.

And so on and so forth, forever and ever! No reason to rehearse all of that again. Even now remembering these things reminds me of the lethargy, the tiredness, the sadness, the alone-ness, the can’t-do-anything-ness of these lying words.

So when I say I’m relieved to be living happily, I mean megaly relieved! It is an ecstatic feeling to be out and away from the big black cloud, out in the sunshine, living life like the “ordinary” people.
Whoever and wherever they are. If I’ve learned anything through the experiences of the last long 18 months, it’s the fact that nobody has a easy comfortable trouble free life. Everyone everywhere has troubles and problems and you just don’t know who where is suffering what. So truly all we can do is to be kind to each other. That’s not always easy, and I haven’t learned the secrets of it but it can be a life goal to aim for at least.

I’m not saying that I’m out and away from the black dog and that I’ll never be troubled with him ever again. Far from it. But for the first time in literally a year or more, I have had two months of stable moods and this is such an amazing and thrilling thing that I could just dance!

For two whole months I have had no episodes of deep depression, no periods of mild depression and in fact have not been depressed hardly even a little bit at all! I have not had any mania, any intense feelings of can-do or rush rush rush or hilarity or overdone-ness. Not even at all. Two solid months of just being even. Sitting pretty. Same mood day in day out, week in week out and I’ve finally clocked up month in month out!! YES!!!

Ah it is truly glorious, out of the shadow and into the light ­čÖé Can you tell that I’m a little bit happy and excited?!?

I’m not saying everything is hunky dunky. There are still issues. But that large top layer of major problem has finally been cracked through and it’s a beautiful thing! Being human, of course once the major problem is looking to be in good order, our brain that is programmed to scan for problems 5 times more than benefits starts kicking up other smaller, but in their own way relevant problems. Which we’ll come to later on.

But for now, I’m blissfully enjoying this feeling of having the weight of bipolar lifted up off my shoulders for the time being. It’ll be back; it’s here for life after all. But we can enjoy every last bit of this period of respite.

Thank you for every person, every thought, every word, every kindness, every message, every email, every prayer, every visit, every coffee, every meal, every anything that has given me a booster along the way. You all have helped build this success and I hope that each one of you can join in my happiness and delight right now.

Much love to you all and look forward to catching up with each of you soon,

Danika,

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Summertime sadness

 

“What a beautiful day! You can’t feel bad in this weather.”

 

“At least it’s sunny outside, that must make you feel better.”

 

“You’ll feel better if you get out in the sunshine.”

 

Fact: some people can suffer from a illness called SAD (seasonal affective disorder) where the lack of sunshine in the winter months causes them to feel down or flat and out of sorts. When the summer and long sunny days return, this illness reverses and the person gets back to “normal”.

Fact: some people can suffer from major depression where a lack of serotonin causes severe symptoms including inability to enjoy life, lack of motivation, guilt, sadness and suicidal thoughts. Sunshine does not increase serotonin and has no effect on depression.

It’s odd to me how many people have suggested that sunshine will, has, should, could or might make me feel better. I agree that being in the sun makes you feel better when you have a cold, a broken leg, are having a bad day, or are at the beach. But not true for depression, FYI. At least not for me.

I actually find sunshine makes me feel worse.

Before I got sick, I loved the sun. I looked forward to sunny days. I checked the weather every day to see if it would be a good day to sit outside for lunch.

In theory I still do love sunny days. But sitting in the sun doesn’t make my head a better, easier place to be.

Sitting in the sun while the inside of my head looks and feels like a dusty, musty, fusty, dark, dingy, crumbly, decaying, spider-webby room filled with sharp things and broken glass and knives and tears and hurt and pain only points out to me the contrast.

Why would that make me feel better? How can that make me feel better?

Incongruous: adjective, meaning not in harmony or keeping with the surroundings or other aspects of something.

 

That’s a perfect description of me sitting outside in the sun.

I am not in harmony with the surroundings. I am not in keeping with the environment. I don’t fit, I don’t match, I’m out of place.

Being out there in the sun just makes me feel out of place. Glorious sun streaming down on my face and inside I’m full of darkness and hardness and awfulness and horridness.

It’s brutal.

So actually, I feel much more at home on a cold, rainy, foggy, cloudy, overcast, snowy, icy, windy, awful day.

I do go out on the fine sunny days and try to enjoy life. I try. I take my camera, try to get some shots to record that I’m out in the sun. That I’m out enjoying life. And sometimes I do enjoy it for a while. But it’s all a distraction. Then you go back home and there it is again, the black dog, waiting.

Waiting.

The black dog does not like sunshine, or enjoying life, or going out on fine days. He likes the musty, dusty, fusty room and the dark, sharp, hurtful things.

If possible he will go with me as I head out on a sunny day. He will go with me so that he can sit next to me and over-shadow me and ruin the sunny day.

He’s such a spoil-sport!

People say you can learn to live with the black dog. I’ve always been a dog lover, but I don’t want to learn to live with the black dog. I want the black dog to die so that I can shed off all the nasty and awful effects that he has brought into my life.

Any have a method of killing the black dog that works?? I’d love to hear it!