Canberra Day Ten

There’s something about “having” to get going in the morning to take hubby to work that really keeps me going and it’s working well. Actually, until his new workplace provide him with an ID and access to the change rooms (I mean its only been 7 workdays!), he’s been given authority to charge a cab to and from work. But I asked if I could still take him in of a morning, because it’s really working for me. And why tamper with a willing system?

I took my bike AGAIN today, two days in a row, and did the same combination of central loop/eastern loop of the Lake Burley Griffin bike path. I love that lake every time I see it: it’s so scenic, and rich with birds, and history. Not to be caught out with my camera twice, I slung it over my shoulder and headed off. Not the best set up but it worked well enough. It was pretty chilly but I had my camera and my bike and I was excited! Anticipation is so powerful. I guess it’s like hope, in a way. And hope is probably the most powerful counter balance to mental illness.

I got my photos of the NINE ducklings. YAY! Hope fulfilled. Plus unexpectedly another family of ELEVEN ducklings!! And TWO Masked Lapwing (previously Plover) chicks!!! And a baby rabbit! And a baby Golden Whistler that was playfully flitting around the tree above my head. This paragraph hardly does justice to the joy, the bliss, and excitement, and happiness that all of this brings to me! It was a beautiful morning. Not only that but I recorded MORE species of birds this morning; FORTY FOUR up from THIRTY EIGHT yesterday, including a Double Barred Finch which was a LIFER for me; a bird that I’ve never come across before. That’s because it doesn’t occur naturally in Victoria – truly a bird for above the border.

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I had another fun jaunt at Floriade checking out the shopping stalls, trying one some clothes, tasting the honey donuts which were a terrific recommendation from a friend, and checking out the flowers. I can already see some tulips starting to fall apart, and others popping up and starting to unfold. I can see how a week can make for a total change in the gardens. I still haven’t tried the ferris wheel, but I will.

You must check out my website for Spring Babies!

And for some photos of the beautiful Lake Burley Griffin check out Bike Ride and Baby Shower and Morning Lake Burley Griffin Drive.

Change

I have some big news! HUGE news! We’re moving cities!

What?? Yep we’re moving interstate! Not what we thought we’d be doing for the rest of the year!

Why?? My husband has been chosen by his workplace for a project. It involves tailoring and implementing his workplace’s software, and the customer wants him on site to help smooth the whole process.

Where? We’re moving to Canberra!

When?? Well apparently his start date is still Monday 12th September, as it was set a couple of weeks ago when the project came up. Yep, as in next Monday!! It seems that that is still going ahead, despite the fact that his workplace still haven’t organized our accommodation at all!! They are meant to be covering our moving costs etc, but right now it feels like what move?! Are we really moving? In a week? Like next weekend??

How long? The project is meant to be for 3 months, but you know projects…we’ll see. We might still be up there in February!

So! Once the shock subsided, I think we like this idea! I think we like it a lot. So many new things to be experienced.

Of course the list of down sides can be significant: missing friends and family, feeling displaced or lonely, far from my doctors/support network, leaving my stuff behind etc. But let’s leave all that til it happens. Right now, the opportunities are spilling out in front.

It’s going to be exciting!

What better time to be an unemployed pharmacist with no job ties? Talk about silver linings! This has to be a pretty big one. No taking leave, or a leave of absence. No having to quit a job I like. I can just up and go at a moment’s notice; which as it turns out is just as well, since it might come down to that!

I’m going to be a tourist in a new city with unlimited time to check out all the fun places it has. I’m smiling spontaneously and getting a buzz just thinking about the endless possibilities, the sights I might see and the people I might meet. And I’m off the hook about jobs! It is a relief. I’m unlikely to fall across a short term part time job while I’m up there so free time! Like last time when I was off work, when I was still sick enough to not need to think about returning to work, but well enough for short daytime adventures. Like an organ concert, a blogging class, a river cruise, taking the tourist bus or the city circle tourist tram around the city, a couple of hours at the zoo or wildlife park, sketching in the botanic gardens…I had so many hobbies and attempts at hobbies and really tried to get around the city as much as I could for free or cheap.

Remember this, self, remember the excitement when your anxiety about not knowing when you’re leaving for this new city, when you need to be packed up by, where you’re going to be living, what you need to take, how you’ll get around, if you’ll miss home, if you’ll find new friends, if you’ll….argh!! The big ol’ IF!!

I don’t deal as well with change these days, not like I used to. I tend to get anxious and become stressed about the unknowns in life which I would have sailed right through before I got sick. I need more notice, more time to think and consider the options, and I’m generally just more of a pain in the butt about the details! I need details!! Ask my poor long suffering husband! I have to be reminded, and reminded that things will work out just fine and not to get bogged down in the minutiae of a situation. Just breathe, and things will be fine. Of course they usually are just fine, but my brain doesn’t keep a record of all the times things have been just fine. It still goes straight to the what ifs.

And now I’m feeling thoughtful and pondering after that little detour, instead of happy and anticipatory of the future! Annoying. Let’s get this back on track: excitement, happiness, adventure!

I started a list of things to do once I get there, whenever that turns out to be. A reminder of all that I can look forward to, and a prompt for me to get out of the house once I get there and make the most of my time.

I’ve looked up places to go bird watching and practice my photography. I’ve ordered some tourist brochures for all the typical things to do. I’ve thought of a couple of friends I have up there, as well as my brother and sister in law. I’ve started checking out women’s bike riding groups and places to go riding. I’ve planned visits from people who may not yet be aware that they are coming to stay! I’ve chatted to some people who live an easy weekend away from where we’ll be living. Actually there’s so much to look forward to if you put your mind to it. Which I try to do these days.

I’m still writing my packing list and checking it twice. But since nothing has been happening about accommodation and no new information has come up, I’ve sort of put the packing thing off until I know for sure there’s a furnished house with our name on it that I can direct my things to. I had my initial freak out about which knives we must take and which tea towels were essential, but a Valium and a good night’s sleep mostly calmed my heart rate and thinking speed down to normal levels about that, and I’ve only been a normal level of anxious since. Well I think so anyway.

I will miss being close to my doctors. I think that will be the hardest thing. I don’t want to find new doctors; I’ll stay with the ones that I have. That probably means a couple of trips back for my psychiatrist, and I’m not sure what I’ll do about GP appointments. I know I can always call them on the phone so that’s reassuring. I’ll need to get new scripts for everything before I go. I just have to remember that I’m only a phone call away, rather than thinking of it being a 6 hour car ride away! Or however long the flight is. But nothing is impossible really. Just have to think of another way around it.

All of this shows, I think you’ll agree, that I’m going pretty well right now. Being able to see the positives, the blessings, the advantages, is not something you can force while you’re unwell, however much other people try to get you in the frame of mind. It comes with time, and with health. I’m grateful to have been able to take this enormous change so calmly, for me, and so positively. It could have thrown me well off kilter and returned my to bed for days. I’m glad that’s not the case.

So, all things being well, I’m off Canberra to have a fun and adventurous time for a couple of months, and I’ll certainly be filling you in on my life living above the blue line!

UTTER ELATION!

YIPPEE! WOO HOO! YAY! HUZZAH! *JUMPING UP AND DOWN* *SCREAMING, SHOUTING, TWISTING, PUNCHING THE AIR*

And if you think that excessive, there’s more to come!

Am I manic? Have I gone properly insane instead of just hanging in the balance? Am I high on petrol fumes? Or sugar?

No.

This just happened: I applied for a job!!!!!!!

This is so epic it’s just hard to describe!

A job. Me. Now. Application. Resume. Cover letter. Apply online. Talk to actual working people from that workplace. Interview. Qualifications. Selection criteria.

A job. Me. Do you know when I last worked full time? March 3rd 2014. More than a year ago. I can’t forget that date because it was also the date I caught a cab to the emergency department and all that has followed on from then. Do you know when I last worked, part time? October 13th 2014, the end of a six week stint.

Either way it’s been a long, long time.

There have absolutely been points along the way when I did not think I would ever return to work. I thought I might remain at home in some kind of invalid-ish way waiting for life to pass by.

Then I thought I’d change career paths altogether. My official back up plan has always been hairdresser. When my previous job sucked so hard, I told everyone that would listen that I was going to be a hairdresser. While I was off work I dreamed up a few other options: teacher of something, photographer, professional Ebayer, consultant of something or other. None of them really ever seriously looked like getting off the ground. Oh, and professional blogger…well, you be the judge of that as an idea!

Then the plan was the change over from hospital pharmacy to community pharmacy. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, and in terms of the scripts you would dispense maybe its not. But I last sold cold and flu tablets in 2010! I vaguely remember the details but I’d need some serious refreshing before that got off the ground.

Then I thought I’d do my usual job but in a diminished way, part time. Except there were no jobs. Literally no jobs for part time work; nearly all hospital jobs are full time. Then there was one, in Dandenong. Now I didn’t mind travelling to Prahran from Box Hill because the public transport connections were good, but Dandenong would just be a painful, disconnected way to go every day. Then there was two, in Footscray! Same problem. So I let that slide.

Then this. Box Hill, the suburb where I live, fed me the perfect-est job for me right now! 3 days a week, 7 minute walk from my bed, Grade 2 which I am, backfill to various positions rather than a permanent ward position which will help me in getting my knowledge and skills up to date!! Perfect!

I don’t know if I’ll get it, of course. But I’m in the process. That’s pretty, really, quite a very lot exciting! I dug out my resume, found the last cover letter I wrote, got the position description and sat up in bed to survey the state of it all.

Updated my resume, still not sure what to do about that there big gap from October 2014 but oh well, fiddled around to re-phrase the cover letter, matched up the criteria as much as possible, confirmed the requirements, put it all into the required format and online job application engine, and clicked GO!

So here we are. My resume, cover letter and application are out there in the universe, wending there way to the friendly, very helpful deputy which I hope means they will be well received.

And I’m so stoked! We got here! Finally, finally, we got here! To where I’m interested, motivated, enthusiastic about the idea of employment. To where I’m jumping up and down inside about this revelation, this achievement, this goalpost reached! How long has it taken, but we got here!

We got here! Elation abounds, excitement rules, I”m so happy to have gotten here. The outcome almost doesn’t matter right now, I’m just stoked to be part of the process! And that makes me very happy!

*Written on 27th April, 2015

Back on ya bike

Today is the 17th of March.

But you knew that.

St Patrick’s day I believe. Not that this ever has much to do with me, or I with it. Just something that’s going on out there in the actual real world.

All that the 17th of March signifies to me today is that it is not the 9th of March. Quite a bit past it in fact. So I’m over my deadline of writing to you all but let’s put that aside and focus on the fact that we’re here! All alive, all well to some degree.

I have in fact been writing in preparation for my deadline but it just wouldn’t go to plan. It didn’t flow, I wasn’t comfortable with it, the stars weren’t aligned. So I’ve been thinking and thinking and getting nowhere. Then today it just started waking up and forming in my head and here we are! Patience is a virtue remember, and I say remember to myself more than anyone else. Patience! So here we go with the brain flow of today.

Today I strapped on a pair. Strong start, right? But we’re going down a different pathway.

Today I strapped on a pair of runners. Sneakers, joggers, running shoes. I got them out of the wardrobe, literally dusted them off! loosened the laces like the shop lady taught me so many years ago, put a foot in each one, pulled the laces tight again and there I was ready to do battle. I will admit now that I checked last night to make sure they were in fact still IN the cupboard! You know, in case it had been so long that for whatever reason they had vanished!

I strapped on a pair of socks; that happened before the shoes. When did I last get out a pair of socks AND wear them? I get them out every time we go on holidays, in case. I never use them. But I take them in case. Every time. Sometimes several pairs. In case I’m active several days in a row. You know, cos that happens! Along with my runners. I take them too; in case. My socks had burrs in them from goodness knows where! Or when. I guess it’s lucky they didn’t have moths in them, or a family of spiders! Spiders would have definitely changed the course of the day! My horror of spiders long pre-dates all the other fears that have developed in my life more recently. And it’s a hard one to conquer! Their legs move and I run, literally, screaming from the room. Could be a good exercise incentive, although repeated episodes of that much adrenaline cannot be good for me!

I strapped on a pair of sunglasses to contend with the overcast drizzle; good choice!
A pair of yoga pants, the only pair of pants left that I can wear without shame and horror at how much of my body doesn’t fit into them!
A bright yellow T shirt that I bought for a casual top when I grew out of all my other casual tops, but which irritates me by not sitting where it’s meant to. But the request was for bright clothes.

The occasion? I’m re-learning to ride my bike! I’ve signed up to have ‘Wheel Women’ teach me and 7 other ladies the Cycling Australia ‘She Rides’ course. We’ll learn about the bits of our bike, how to fix things, how to ride, what essential equipment you need etc. Our course isn’t the beginner course. We’ve all ridden before. Ours is the confidence course, remembering what we’ve achieved before, how much we already know. It’s also about just how much what we learn will help us to become confident in riding again etc.

Because I have been confident in the past, you know. As primary school aged kids we would shoot out of the car as soon as it stopped in the garage after school, throw our bags inside the house (or in the yard, on the garden, near the chook house) and be on our bikes before you could blink. We’d all ridden since we were toddlers on foot propelled solid plastic indestructible stabilised bikes. We’d all progressed up through a trike, a small bike with training wheels then up through a variety of pretty solidly contructed biked until we made it to an actual store built mountain/commuter bike from Kmart! That was a great moment! It had gears, a stand, flat handle bars, a bell, brakes activated by levers instead of feet!

We had a hill in our driveway where the channel had to be broached and a roundabout for cars to easily turn around. So we’d ride flat out from the road to the top of the bridge and the competition was who could roll the furthest down the bridge, around the house on an S bend curve and the ultimate victory was to make it to the gate into the backyard. It was one on one so there were heats for me and the next down to compete and the two little kids to compete. Then there were speed races down to the garage, technical races around the garden beds and so on. I love it all! We did learn to ride classes at school and the big ride day every year with half the school. We rode to school when mum was working, often with the naughty fox terrier tagging along. We’d tell her to go home but she was sneaky. She’d pretend to head home then sneak diagonally across the paddocks while we round around the square and often beat us to school where, of course, all the kids loved her and made a big fuss out of her!

Great days! And lots of fun. Of course I had the odd accident, ironically the first big one was trying to go too slow while Mum with the baby in the backseat caught up. Our whole driveway was gravel so there were of course many accidents where the wheel slipped out or we hit a bump. Then a bigger one when I was riding up Manningham Road to Heidelberg train station to get to uni. I decided to leave the road for the foot path to cross a big intersection, took it on too much of an angle and landed on my chin! That was the confidence sucking one! That was really the death knock for me riding on roads, and even bike paths.

Thus the course. We have 8 sessions of 2 hours and the first one was this morning. And already I’m stoked!

Which is a miracle considering I spent most of yesterday in an absolute stew about it! What if, what if, what if?!

What if I don’t wake up in time?
We’re meant to be there at 10am, that means I have to be awake at 9am at the latest and ideally leave the house by 9.30am. That’s kind of early given my getting out of bed times lately! Despite my consistent bedtime of around 10pm my morning wake up time can vary from 8am to 11am! This is the result of medication sedation, which is consistent daily but it’s so unpredictable in how much and for how long!

What if I wake up in time but I’m really drowsy and not fit to drive the car?
I’ve been minimising my driving lately when I feel I’m too sedated. That means I don’t do long distances, especially when I’ll need to drive home again later in the day. I don’t need a collision to tell me I’m not fit to drive!
What will I do if that happens? Cancel? Then I’d feel like a failure. Go anyway? That could be dangerous. Get a cab? How would I get my bike there? and etc!

What if it’s too hot for me?
Since I’ve been on this particular antidepressant my temperature feels high all the time. I’ve never actually checked if it is higher, but I feel hotter than the average person unless that person is going through menopause in which case we’d make good buddies! When others are comfortable I’ll be wringing sweat from my brow! Which sounds old fashioned and romantic but it sucks, it really sucks! I don’t like sweat beading on my forehead and running down my face or into my hair! I don’t like other people seeing that. I don’t like them seeing me wiping the sweat off. I don’t mind having them see me wave a fan around or sitting in a breeze but the other stuff? Ergh!

What if I don’t have the energy to get on my bike and ride?
So many days I just don’t have the energy for anything! I’ve become very sedate.
How do I know I’ll be able to do it? What if I just can’t and get humiliated?

Also, what if I’m too unfit?
I know the course description says no one is too unfit for them, but my hubby and I went on a 5km ride a few months ago to try to get me back into riding. The scenery was beautiful but I couldn’t hear anything over the sound of my heart beat and breathing!! And it felt bad!
What if I get left behind and its shameful that I’m so unfit at such a young age?

At about the sixtieth what if my husband suggested a Valium and that helped. A lot. Diazepam, it really is a wonder drug used sensibly. It took the agitation and fretting and stressing out of it. The contingency plan from my husband: all I want you to do is show up. Go there with your bike and at that point that’s a win. Stay if you feel like it, if you have to leave early that’s okay. If you can get through the whole thing that’s fabulous.

Perfect! He always knows what to say! My issue in all things is the starting. Getting out of bed, getting out of the house, getting started on a job, getting to a social event. If there was a time warp around the getting ready life would be easier. It’s the mental preparation that trips me up!
Once I’m there, out of bed, out of the house, started, at the event I’m fine! I’ll be yucking it up with everyone, telling stories, hanging out, ready to get the day going.

So I had my back out strategy, which is vital! If I can’t think of the way out of any place or situation I tend to get panicky. But knowing that I can leave whenever I want and having a specific plan for how I will execute the leaving makes it okay to put myself in that restricted position. It’s crazy but it works! Everywhere, every time.

So I’m stoked with how it all went!

The 3 trainers were lovely and there was no pressure. There were only a handful of us so no hoards of unknowns to face up to. 90 minutes was taken up off the bike with instruction and demonstration so that was a big relief! When we did do riding it was gentle and tiny distances. I seemed to be at least at the same level as the other ladies so no more fear of being left behind!

I looked okay in my clothes which made me comfortable; no more squishing into old size 12 and 14’s; from now on regardless of the size I’m wearing clothing that suits my new figure! I was able to do everything I was asked, my bike is the perfect fit for me, and some old confidence and enjoyment of doodling around on my bike kind of seeped back into my heart.

It made me glad that I was on track to rediscovering riding for fun. Not for competition or eliteness but just good plain fun! I’m excited about that!! It’s so important to me these days to have things that are mine alone to feel good about, to enjoy, to feel satisfied with. My bird watching, my photography, my writing and now my riding. This isn’t so I can go on every Saturday monring 5am 100km road ride with my husband, or brother, or sister, or brother-in-law or father etc! This isn’t so I can go all day up hill down dale mountain biking. This isn’t so I can put on an external skeleton and go hurtling down Hotham or Buller in the off season! Definitely not the last one!

This is for me. This is to remember that I have a kife skill in me that can make me feel better about myself, that I can openly and completely enjoy without any reserve, that is all mine, that I dictate and I steer.

Anything that excites me these days is to be treasured!! Held on to and pursued. And I really feel like this is it!
There are 7 weeks to go, and I’m really truly looking forward to all of them 🙂 YAY!!!

Magical Monday

New bird alert! New bird alert! Excitement, excitement!

And what a relief it is on a day like this, a week like this, to feel excitement!

I haven’t been having a very fun time of it, to be honest. Everything is a bit or a lot hard, tedious, effortful, difficult, troublesome, not worth it. Getting up is a drag, showering is a hideous ordeal, eating is just tiring, deciding to do anything is impossible! I’ve been sleeping a lot, avoiding thinking about my to-do list a lot, and just skimming through the days til bedtime.

It’s not fun!

But here is an effort, however tiny and minuscule, yet enormous and huge, to get out. Just for a little bit. Just to have done something other than be at home; unproductively, unsuccessfully, un-impressively at home.

It’s all in my new direction from the psychiatrist – getting outside, enjoying the sunshine. I’m trying to do my bit since he has turned my life around. I owe him that much.

I realise I also owe that much, or more, to my husband as well so here it comes Beautiful: I promise to try your caring suggestions and get a bit motivated and interested if I can!

Ah, IF. The stories you could tell…

So in the late afternoon on Monday I gathered myself up, stuffed myself into some clothes (hopefully matching!), got the car out and took myself down to my old favourite birding spot; Blackburn Lake Sanctuary.

I can’t believe how long it has been since I was down here last! I’m definitely going to make more of an effort to get here more often because let’s face it, in suburbia anywhere it’s a great privilege to have some green spaces nearby for an escape/retreat/sanctuary/reset.

And every time it rewards me so greatly. This time I didn’t even get past the car park for the first hour!

I heard some lorikeets, assumed they were Rainbows but then caught a glimpse and they had shorter tails and red on their head! New bird!!!!

They were truly beautiful, and fun, and acrobatic, and shrieky, and a challenge to get still enough for a decent focused photo!

Honestly I felt as much satisfaction from changing the settings to get a better picture as I did in finding a never-before-seen-or-photographed-bird!

I changed to shutter mode to still their actions after using the programmable mode gave me a too-slow shutter speed and was too slow to focus, and was too dark and too grainy! Then I had to keep adjusting the ISO and exposure as I followed the birds around depending on whether I was shooting up at the outside of the tree in full sun, shooting under the canopy up into the dark shadow or straight across at a neighbouring tree…etc.

I was pretty proud of some of the photos I got. I always recognise that chance and luck have quite a bit to do with the photos, but having purposely set the variables, I do take pride in the fact that the photo was taken by chance and the settings were perfect for that chance!

So here’s a few of my favourites! Hope you can enjoy looking at them as much as I did taking them!

We start in some gorgeous wattle trees where there’s some pretty fierce competition from cranky Red Wattlebirds and Noisy Miners, plus some quiet guests in the lovely Galahs.

New bird! The gorgeous Musk Lorikeet - vibrant red forehead, cheek and tip of beak, wattle

New bird! The gorgeous Musk Lorikeet – vibrant red forehead, cheek and tip of beak

Musk Lorikeets are apparently notoriously hard to find because like other lorikeets the only time they’re quiet is when they’re eating! Add to this their preference for eating on top of the canopy where they not only blend in with their green underbelly but are hidden by layers of branches and leaves! So I feel pretty lucky that they choose these low growing trees to feed from.

Pretty pretty pretty! I love the yellow patches just above the wing and the blue head!

Pretty pretty pretty! I love the yellow patches just above the wing and the blue head!

I always appreciate it when my birds kindly move to the dead trees and branches – it’s very convenient to me! Thanks for the photo op!

The perfect camoflage - despite the colourful patches, when the lorikeet turns its back it becomes invisible!

The perfect camouflage – despite the colourful patches, when the lorikeet turns its back it becomes invisible!

This is a photo that makes me really proud of what I have achieved! To shoot past all of the sticks and leaves to get a clear focus on the bird is a very tricky thing, and something I wouldn’t have been able to do before my photography course – kudos to Master Your Camera’s Wendy!

This is a photo that makes me really proud of what I have achieved! To shoot past all of the sticks and leaves to get a clear focus on the bird is a very tricky thing, and something I wouldn't have been able to do before my photography course

The dangling upside down antics of these Musk Lorikeets are so delightful! In this shot you can make out the brownish yellow patch on its back

This photo is typical of my excitement when I find a new bird. At first I just snap away furiously to get a shot, any shot. Then I realise they’re not going anywhere and slow down and start adjusting the settings. Then I can take a breath, stop and actually look at composing a shot for the best photos of the day – this is just about it!

This photo is typical of my excitement when I find a new bird. At first I just snap away furiously to get a shot, any shot. Then I realise they're not going anywhere and slow down and start adjusting the settings. Then I can take a breath, stop and actually look at composing a shot for the best photos of the day

Always dangling for the best bite to eat! Love all of the different colours.

One downside of shooting through the exterior is that you can get foggy patches in your photos!

I love this photo for the underbelly of the bird, something that isn't always photographed but I find it fascinating!

I love this photo for the underbelly of the bird, something that isn’t always photographed but I find it fascinating!

Then the Red Wattlebirds and Noisy Miners got too overpowering and my new friends all flew off squawking and squarking! Luckily they didn’t go too far and settled in a nearby eucalyptus and a different wattle tree. This was perfect as they were in the clear path of the afternoon sun which always makes everything look beautiful and good as new!

And towards the end I get this shot! Love it, this shows so much character of this bird!, gum tree, eucalypt

And towards the end I get this shot! Love it, this shows so much character of this bird!