The end

A medication order comes to the dispensary late in the day. It’s from the adult psychiatric ward, who only have an attending clinical pharmacist for half of the day, and a pager service for the rest of the day. Because the order is up to the 7th day and the bottom of the page is initialed by ward pharmacists from 3 different days that show they have reviewed the whole chart, it seems straight forward to supply with no need to page the busy ward pharmacist. Especially as the last initial was from the day prior. This shows me that all of the  work has been done to make sure the order is safe, appropriate, avoids their allergies, is monitored as necessary and is okay with all of the other medications. Not a lot of people see the work that pharmacists do to keep them safe while they’re in hospital, but those 2 letters at the bottom of the medication chart mean a great deal!

I go to dispense the medication in our software, and it comes up that the patient is in the oncology ward! Confusing, since the order clearly has the psych ward written on it. So I ask the oncology pharmacist and get a story like no other that I’ve heard yet!

This patient has met SCLC. That’s medical shorthand for advanced lung cancer that was possibly incurable from the the start, most likely caused by smoking, which has spread from the lungs throughout the body via the blood stream and deposited in the usual place that lung cancer goes to: the brain. Isn’t medical terminology amazing? 7 letters that tell me all of that!!

When a cancer spreads the medical term is that it metastasises. The cancer clumps that have spread away from the primary, or first discovered/diagnosed cancer are known as metastases, shortened to mets. This patient has brain mets. The cancer has spread from the lungs into the bloodstream and traveled around the body before settling in the brain and growing there. This is now a secondary cancer because it has come from the primary cancer. We can prove this by taking samples of both cancers; they will have the same histology or cell type, and the same structure and growth pattern. Each type of cancer has a typical pattern of where the mets will appear. Patients with lung cancer will be screened for brain mets. Breast cancer patients will be scanned for bone mets and etc.

I sometimes hear or read of people saying that a person has breast cancer and bone cancer and brain cancer, as though they were 3 different types. The odds of that are really absurb; it’s a once in a lifetime patient sort of odds. Much more likely, it’s breast cancer which has spread to the bone and then the brain. That’s nothing to do with the anything, just something that I’d like people to know.

SO getting back to the story! Our patient has advanced, likely to be life-ending lung cancer that has spread throughout the body and has established in the brain. At this point they cannot be cured of their cancer without very extensive surgery to remove the cancerous lung and brain tissue, and severe chemotherapy and radiation therapy…and even then it’s doubtful! And its a very high cost to pay, especially removing part or all of the lung/s and part of the brain!! Brain and lung surgery? And possible transplant to replace them? for no guarantee? It would be a very brave doctor to recommend that course of treament, unless the patient were very young and fit…which is unlikely given this cancer is caused by smoking.

So at this point we offer palliative care, or end-of-life care, or comfort care. Or try to.

Usually we try to get the patient back home with the appropriate supports of doctors visits to the home or at their usual clinic, nursing care in the home if the patient can’t do for themselves, plenty of medications and basically whatever it is that they’d most like to fill their final days or weeks or months with. If they can’t be sent home we at least give them a private room, unlimited family visits, their little dog/cat coming in, vases for flowers, unobtrusive nursing care and medications, comforting doctors rounds, limiting anything not fully essential like blood tests or blood pressure checks, and again, basically whatever they want that is feasible.

Once we had a wedding, in the patient’s garden around the side with the couples children and close family then day leave and permission for one alcoholic beverage. She died 3 days later at 40 something. Everyone cried about the wedding, either at it, or thinking about it, or seeing her come in from home in her wedding dress on oxygen holding her kids hands.

I’ve seen patients is deep distress changing completely when their little dog is brought in. They coo and talk to it, cuddle it, put their face next to it, and just relax so much. It’s such a tear jerking experience! The change in them, that peace, all that matters is they’ve seen their little dog and it’s going to be okay, and all is okay with the patient somehow.

But in this case, that isn’t going to be an option as such. In this unfortunate patient, the cancerous growth of the brain mets has set off a full blown psychosis! The pressure of  the extra growth onto the brain stretching the brain sac, the location of the mets pushing on certain areas of the brain, physical and chemical changes etc can cause different symptoms like confusion, delerium but I’ve never heard of this before. Think hallucinations, delusions, aggression and violence…such that the oncology ward wasn’t able to deal with the patient anymore and they’ve been sent to the psych ward! That’s not the place for comfort care, for a nice big room with flowers and family spending quality time at the end of life. Instead it’ll be sedation, anti-psychotics, possibly restraints, surrounded by other disturbed patients in an environment that’s hardly welcoming.

And that’s how little control we have over the end of our lives.

Medical conditions eventually get us all, one way or another. I think we should recognise that. We will all die of a medical condition, and can I add, or mental health condition. And we don’t have a lot of control over any of it!

Now it’s full psychosis as a result of lung cancer as a result of smoking.

It might be kidney failure and second daily dialysis as a result of diabetes as a result of a fatty diet.

It might be suicide as a result of desperation as a result of depression.

Where is the control?

So wouldn’t it be nice if we thought of them all the same?

I would love to live in a world where no one ever described death by suicide as selfish.

Because if we can call suicide selfish, what on earth would we call the death due to smoking or a bad diet?? We feel very emotional about the unfairness and randomness of cancer, but is that really in line with how we think about suicide? Depression can be very random and is never fair. It distresses us to see patients on dialysis and in the inevitable spiral to death that comes with kidney disease, but isn’t that just exactly how we could describe the progress of an unwell patient with insufficiently treated depression?

I’d prefer there be no blame on anyone.

As a fatty who is struggling to exercise and diet through her medication haze and bipolar up and down blips, am I really going to say I told you so to diabetes, high cholesterol, and all the consequences thereof, stroke, heart attack, high blood pressure, kidney failure to name a few?

As a depressive who has spent 3 years trying, trying, trying through all the low mood, low motivation, low energy, low self esteem, low interest, low care and everything that comes in that huge big black box, I certainly can never blame anyone who just couldn’t take it anymore, and doesn’t know how else to escape but through death.

The smoking one I’m still in debate with myself over. I guess because I’ve never smoked and I’ve never had to quit, I can much more easily see why it’s a bad idea. However, my judgement is reserved for those who didn’t know it was bad when they took up the habit. People who grew up in my era (can I call it an era yet?) know it’s bad, and took it up anywhere. But again, because my mind sees all angles, I realise that there could still be a lot of factors as to why they did take it up: parents who smoked, peer pressure left over from the 90s, depression/anxiety, and a bunch more. Point being, I don’t think you should smoke but I do know it can be incredibly hard to stop, just like the gym is something I should do and find hard to!

My aim for us all: let’s work together to realise that in the end, we quit, we exercise, we try, but that’s not a guarantee, just a higher likelihood of control.

 

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Smiling!

You can hardly wipe the smile off my face! Just sitting here chilling out in a comfy chair at the end of the day, I’m smiling 🙂 No one’s making me, nothing is happened to draw a smile out of me, there’s just a good humour welling up out of me, and it’s delightful!

I suppose this is what they talk about when they say riding and exercise increase your serotonin levels. When I was unwell, exercise was just torture, even though everyone said how good for you it was supposed to be. I could never understand it! It’s only now that I’ve become fit and can do longer rides that I’m getting some of that effect. Ah well, better late than never!

So, what a great day!

The plan was always for a great day: the Wheel Women Christmas ride! What a cause for excitement, end of year festivities with all the fabulous ladies I ride with at one time or another! Wouldn’t miss it for almost anything!

A bit of a reminder to myself at this time: this is my first Wheel Women Christmas, because I only joined Wheel Women in March! March!! Can you believe it?? I can’t! What kilometers, what skills, what adventures, what misadventures have been gained in barely 9 months! Those who have been there for the misadventures only need these words: velodrome, baby ducks, emergency braking, whoops that hill and corner came out of nowhere! That last one? Today!

What a perfect way to celebrate the year of riding that Wheel Women across Melbourne have had; getting together for a large group ride from Kensington to Williamstown.

[Note: every time I say something like “what a perfect…” and it’s attached to something bike related, it gives me this little jolt, well not jolt, but just a little flashback to March, or was it April, when they told us we were going for a ride, an actual ride not just practicing stopping and starting, and 6 kilometers sounded like a death sentence!!! I have a little giggle to myself now, and have a little moment of wow, how far I’ve come so quickly! Not in a bragging way, just in a ‘Woah! How did that happen?!’ way].

So we gathered together outside Cyclic Bicycles in Kensington. And lucky for me that we did, because Dum Dum Dugan Danika here forgot her helmet! I mean, there are very few essentials in the world of riding, but a helmet you must always have! The day would have quickly soured if Evan from the bike shop wasn’t ready and willing to lend me a helmet! Lucky he opened the store an hour early just for us! A hat tip, and a recommendation that if you’re looking for anything bike related in the general area, he’s your guy!

Riders of all shapes and sizes (I mean that in the best way, and I should know!), and all abilities, with 4 wonderful coaches and great excitement for the day’s activities! There were jingle bells and baubles dangling off bikes, The Tinsel Bike shedding silver Christmas cheer all over the place apparently whenever the brakes were applied, coordinating glistening shoes covers for the coaches, Christmassy T shirts and earrings, and a sleigh bell dinging!! Hard not to get into the spirit with so much effort put in!

We were taking a new route today for me at least, up the hill (!) from Kensington, along the beautiful old Stock Route with cobblestone sections under the shade of huge old peppercorn trees and lined by the original post and rail fences of the stockyards. Then onto the gorgeous riverside bike path that follows the Maribyrong River more or less to Williamstown. I can never get tired of the stunning views we are treated to along this river and out into the bay; really they are such a delight each and every time I ride this way.

And the weather was perfect! It was meant to get hot, but it was overcast so it didn’t heat up and there was a breeze around; ideal conditions!!

So we got to Williamstown, partially along the road this time rather than all on the bike path. I have to say, I did enjoy it a lot more than the path for that section that we swapped because you don’t have to give way and face the rumble strips at every crossroad, it’s a lot smoother and I think I can go faster! Which is always fun 🙂 I know people are nervous of the road, but in that instance I would recommend it! There’s a good sized bike lane and all.

What can I say about arriving in the lush green park in Williamstown, with views of the marina and across the bay to the city?? Need I say more? A champagne toast followed (pink plastic cups!), Lyn’s delicious rumballs then a Christmas speech, and an award!!

This part I am so stoked about! Because…drumroll…I was the recipient! I am so so touched, and thrilled, and encouraged, and heartened by Tina and Tracey and Alicia and Deidre’s choice, and inspired to keep going further and further! What an absolute honour, and of course it would never have happened if it weren’t for Wheel Women and the hard work these 4 ladies put in to keep us riding safely and enjoyably every week!!

The award was for courage and bravery! Warrior status! And it even included a quote from this here blog!! Amazing!! I’m just thrilled over and over!! It’s incredible to have people believe in you, and see the effort that you put in and respect that effort! Every skill I’ve learnt from them has given me the ability to develop bit by bit. I never saw myself going this far from the beginning; I couldn’t see how I’d ever be able. Pottering around the suburbs was more of my vision. But I’ve got the momentum now, so 2016, let’s see what you have in store for me and my bicycle!

As if that didn’t cap the day off as pure amazing, we then had the arrival of Santa!! Dear Ray who is a great friend of all Wheel Women and brings life to every party, had dressed up in a great Father Christmas outfit with huge black boots and all, and was ready to distribute the Kris Kringle gifts! His wife Lyn had to go first, because she was his favourite, said Santa, then we all lined up for our gift and a kiss! Then Ray gave us another delight for the day, his alternate Santa hat that turned on, and the top and the bauble danced around on his head while it sang carols!!! We were in stitches laughing, loving his enthusiasm!! What a great friend, to give us so much Christmas joy!

All that was left was to head to the cafe for eats, drinks, chats and laughs galore! I do so love these ladies who have added such a great social aspect to my life from when I was bored stiff at home alone 5 days a week, right through til now when I’m working half time. It’s such a pleasure to meet up again at the next ride, and pick up right where we left off!! LOVE YOU ALL!!

Well if all of that doesn’t leave me smiling for weeks I don’t know what will! Of course our moods being fickle and subject to sudden change without notice, that won’t be the case. But tonight, I’m smiling!

Thank you to each and every person who made it so!

Oh, I did forget one thing. The award? Came with prizes! All of them exactly what I would have wanted for Christmas!! A Wheel Women riding backpack (now I’m part of the crew! Jokes), a solid high quality bike lock (YAY, out with the old fuddy duddy one!), bright rear and back lights (perfect because although mine allow people to see me, they don’t show me the path ahead!) and the smallest, most adorable set of tyre levers and patch kit!! Absolutely perfect! Couldn’t have picked them out better myself! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Victory Part One

[Written 20th June 2015]

Victory is mine blog post

Okay that’s not going to be my title, way too grand and pompous for my usual style. But today was a victory and I want to talk about.

I was meant to restart work sometime last week. It was always a vague plan of sometime after the Queen’s birthday public holiday. From the time I took back my authorization to get a police check and stat dec to say that I wasn’t an awful criminal the suggestion was it would take the HR department about two weeks to prepare the contracts. Oh, and by the way, the hospital executive have just put a halt on recruitment until the end of the financial year! We may sneak in, we may not.

So it didn’t happen last week, and it wasn’t looking super likely for this week either. So my plan? Bike ride as much as possible until I go back to work! It is still amazing to me that I, in the dead of winter, in shall we say frigid conditions with rain and bleak outlooks and low teens temperatures, would be keen to get out there and get cold and exert effort! Crazy! Yet it turns out that my week is built around it! I would NEVER have thought that this would actually come to be in my life!

I mean, yeah, they said exercise was good for you and helped your mood and did wonders. I got started at the gym after moving back to Melbourne when I was beginning to put on weight in a vain attempt to keep that at bay. I did enjoy the classes, another women’s only special, and afterwards I loved that I’d been able to do it. My post-gym face made it into a couple of my ‘100 happy days’ posts. I made an effort to get to my classes after work, which was a tight squeeze, and then when I wasn’t working anymore I tried to get there and do the solos workouts my friendly coach had designed for me. But the cardio stuff sucked! I’ve always been good at weights and they are my preference. But right then, with the weight I’d put on and as the sedation overcame me, cardio was just a punishment! So I put the gym on hold, and it stayed there. My psychiatrist agreed that I shouldn’t be pushing myself with the gym and suggested walking each day.

Walking. Okay, seriously! I have a green, leafy park that I can get to, walking, in less than two minutes. It’s one of the awesome conveniences of where I live. Theoretically. There’s a beautiful walking loop made from perfectly poured, on camber concrete with an inner spongy lane perfect for running. It has marked distances and revolves around a pretty little lake with ducks and a foot bridge, a community exercise area always in use and a children’s playground. Perfect.

Two minutes to the park. Five minutes to the hospital, twelves minutes to the train station and supermarket. That’s my house.

But I don’t like walking anymore!

I used to walk up hill to the train station to get to work every day, from October 2013 to March 2014, and I just did it without thinking. Then I walked around the hospital all day often clocking up half my daily step count and a couple of kilometres. I’d often take a walk for 20 minutes under the Moreton Bay fig trees to chill out at lunchtime which was lovely, travelling from Commercial Road to Toorak Road and back, then walk back down the hill again to get home. My Fitbit got to 10,000 steps every single day and often quite a bit more. I was doing great physically and was in the shape of the last 10 years! I’d just spent more than 18 months up to August 2013 exercising and dieting my way to 78kg which was a 15kg effort that I was very proud of, and got me within a few kilos of my ideal weight! So I was enjoying my hard work.

But as I got sicker, my motivation and energy flagged and I started putting on some weight, and that morning uphill walk was taking me longer and was getting harder. I started to dread it! My breathing was way harder than before, my heart felt like it was about to hit the absolute red line or die altogether, my legs rubbed and chafed and turned to jelly mush, and I just didn’t want to do it anymore. Besides I had to conserve energy; I had the whole day still ahead of me!! I didn’t want to walk; I wanted to catch the bus. Once I did, there was no turning back. I would wait 15 minutes at the bus stop for a 7 minute bus ride that was full to overflowing where I sweated up a storm in the crush of body heat, rather than walk 10 minutes home, even though it was downhill. At that point, it didn’t matter whether it was uphill, downhill or neutral; I hated it!

I’m working on this. I wear shorts or leggings, I take my time, I breathe it out, I remember that my heart is actually a surprisingly resilient muscle and no one has ever yet died from it jumping through their throat into the open air and flying away! That last one is difficult and takes a lot of mantra-like chanting inside my brain! I will not die, I will not die, and I will not die.

We did an impromptu walk with friends a couple of months back. It was described as an easy walk, but that was their opinion not mine. They set a cracking pace over difficult terrain and I wished I was dead! Halfway through the caring mother figure asked me quite seriously if I was going to have a heart attack!! I was so red in the face I probably looked like I would in fact explode, I was dripping sweat, my feet and legs hurt…la, la, la; it wasn’t that much fun, apart from the scenery.

Cue the bicycle. It came to me, I now realise, at the perfect moment in my journey. I’d seen an ad for She Rides earlier and instantly dismissed it. The fact that when it came back around on Facebook, or email, or something else, I actually considered it, showed that I was in a place in my recovery where I was starting to open my very closed mind to the idea and possibility that starting gently into some exercise could really be something I could a) do, and b) maybe, somehow, I don’t know but people assure me I could, actually enjoy! So I tentatively put out some feelers. I’m not a committing person! I have to do a lot of thought before I jump in, and even then it’s more of a slow trip and fall that accidentally turns into a jump!

Ask my husband: we went out for 7 years before I “jumped” in! At least we got through the whole itch thing first. In that last year when it was blindingly apparent that of course we’d be together forever, and no sinister cosmic plan was floating through the universe waiting to hit us with its deadly and devastating bolts, or anything along that drastic and dramatic plane of thought, I gave my husband a model snail. I told him please wait, I’m getting there, I’m coming; it’s just taking me a while! That’s how I am, but I’m working on it. I can impulse buy now, not that I’m sure that’s a good thing! There are shops in Shepparton where I grew up probably sick of the sight of me, coming back for the third time to try on the same pair of shoes “just to see” if they were any different from every other time! Procrastination is what it’s really called, and it has gotten the upper hand of me in a lot of my life, but I’m working hard to crush it!

Bike learning

Last Wednesday I drove out to the Yarra Ranges for a bike ride with Wheel Women.

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You remember Wheel Women? They are the awesome group of women who have teamed up with Cycling Australia to run the empowering She Rides programs for women around Melbourne.

I’ve finished the course and now I’m in that tricky phase after completing any kind of training or education; implementing the knowledge and making changes in my life. But with the great Wheel Women She Rides version it isn’t really a difficulty at all! Each and every week there are several rides posted by Wheel Women for us graduates and other female riders (and occasionally males), and the majority of them suit the level I am at now.

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Not the level I want to get to, or that my husband or friends are at, or that I have been told or feel that I should be at; just the level that I am at. Which is very encouraging to keep on keeping on with regular bike riding.

There are a variety of rides from different starting points with different groups. I participated in the first ever Hawthorn She Rides program, but there have also been programs in Docklands and Knox and Geelong, and I think one in Bayside…don’t quote me on that one. I know the Hawthorn girls pretty well after eight weeks of classes and practice rides and coffees and tech nights together. So I’m always happy to go riding with them. But I’ve also been on a Docklands ride and a Knox ride and one of the all-in rides out at Warburton. And so far I haven’t found a single lady/girl/woman/chick that wasn’t lovely and helpful and kind and considerate. Also encouraging!

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Take the Warburton ride last Saturday. The large majority of the riders started at Lilydale for a 70km round trip to Warburton for lunch and back. In the classes and in my first ride after with the Docklands group (group being an optimistic term as there were two of us plus the instructor!) I’d only done up to 20km; not sure that we’d actually hit twenty. We’d done a 2km round trip to practice starting and stopping and turning, and about the same to practice signalling.

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I’d been terrified of doing really any riding at all before the class because I was, and still am a bit, scared of the effort involved in riding up hills, and that I couldn’t do the distance, being so much less fit than when I last rode. The only ride I’d done in the last two years was an excruciating 5km on the Eastern Freeway trail with my hubby. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t fit, there were hills and it was just a struggle! It hurt and I wanted to get off and not get back on.

But those first two rides were fine. Then we did a 6km ride into Richmond to the Total Rush store to learn how to fix a flat tyre including taking the wheels off and putting them back on, adjusting the chain and derailleur, taking out the tube and patching or replacing it and putting it back in. That was a great and very empowering session!

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The ride was pretty good but I got too hot going into town from Hawthorn. I always get hot, it’s just a fact of life now that I’m on the antidepressant venlafaxine. I overheat, I sweat, I wipe off the sweat and repeat! I’m so excited for winter! Well outdoors winter, not indoors winter…heaters are the bane of my life!

Anyway, I got hot and that reduces my tolerance for pushing myself. I get exasperated and just want to do anything to get cooler. It’s such an unpleasant feeling, and I hate that people can see all the sweat on my face, and its still my number one side effect to get rid of on my dreamboat wishlist. I’d followed the clothing choices of everyone else with lots of layers including gloves and neck warmer. But I’ve learnt since that in most situations I’m better off in Tshirt and pants. I get hot riding but the breeze goes through my shirt to keep me cool and I’m happy; it works. I take extra just in case, but don’t put it on until I need it.

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Anyway, the ride from Hawthorn to Richmond is a pretty flat ride with a couple of little rises but we’d only learnt gears the week before and I’d had a chest infection and hadn’t practiced. Of course I’d used gears before this course, but not correctly it turns out. Gears makes so much difference when you know how to use them! So being hot and exasperated and still coughing from my chest infection I ditched the 6km ride home and caught the train instead. With a flat phone and scant knowledge of the Glen Waverley train line I somehow got off at the right station and found my way by bike the 2km back to the car. I wasn’t that far behind the others.

But the idea that I couldn’t keep up, and riding was hard had received a boost!

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Luckily the next week we tackled a 14km ride to Herring Island and back that I found easy! From can’t do more than 6km to easy 14km! I don’t know how or why but it happened!

I was worried beforehand, but I ended up chatting to another girl all the way in (the distraction really works!) and at the end I felt like I could have ridden further; I had effort still in the tank waiting to be used! That was a nice feeling.

And for the very first time in years, I felt that exhilaration, euphoria, sense of everything being well and life being exciting that they tell you comes from endorphins! Which was a real revelation! 18 months after my diagnosis of depression/bipolar I finally felt that benefit of exercise that everyone’s been yackedy yacking about! I can see now why they say exercise is good for your mood…but I just couldn’t get anything like that with walking. It was sometimes pleasant but not euphoric. Going to the gym sometimes gave me a taste. Playing squash had gotten me part of the way, but my fitness can’t manage that now. But bike riding really nailed it!

After that ride we rode a longer distance into Fed Square which I managed well, then my Docklands crew ride was 16km, dead flat and along the beach on a glorious day! Perfect!

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So the Warburton ride. I’d made up my mind that I would tackle the 35km loop on the trail from Woori Yallock to Warburton and return. I could have chosen the 20km loop from Launching Place but I wanted to see how I went extending myself. I was reallly enjoying my riding by now, and had proved myself to myself a bit, and was aptly a fitting graduate from the She Rides Confidence program!

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I’d wanted to ride the Warburton to Lilydale rail trail for YEARS but never felt fit enough. And herein lies the beauty of the Wheel Women community. A ride that my husband would do, but which wouldn’t really be as valuable to him as his 100km+ weekend road loop. He would enjoy exploring and the scenery, but I’d feel a bit babysat. I don’t have any other friends who ride right now. And going out there by myself is something I’d never think of! But here is a ready made group of women who also want to ride the trail, don’t have anyone to ride with and we all turn up and do it together! Brilliant!

We were told beforehand what speed range we should be able to hold to keep up with the group. I knew that I could maintain that speed based on previous rides, however I failed to consider the difference between riding on asphalt/concrete and fine gravel; the latter is quite a bit slower! But the leaders put me at the front of the group so that my speed would dictate the speed of the group and I wouldn’t get dropped (a cycling term for being less fit/skilled/able than other riders and getting spat out of the back of the group as they gradually pass you by virtue of their better skills/fitness/abilities!). This still happened to me, twice! But I was never left behind.

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The combination of a slight incline, gravel, starting with no warm up, the group being warmed up and ticking along at a good pace meant the first few kilometres were a struggle! I was maintaining a speed about 4km/hr slower than intended but the first time I was dropped I caught up with the group at a road crossing. I got put at the front but still got inevitably passed one by one as the incline and my quads fought each other! That time I stayed behind for a few kilometres with a very patient partner-of-a-coach tagging me all the way.

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That’s what I love about Wheel Women; they leave no man behind…or whatever the modern expression is. You are noticed, you are part of the group, you are looked out for, you are helped and supported along the way, and if things go bad thay’ve got your back. Although we’ve been taught how to fix our own mechanical issues its nice to know you’re riding with experienced women who can back you up with technical assitance and spare parts.

Speaking of mechanical issues. I went back out to tackle the Warburton trail on Wednesday with the Knox group, also lovely ladies. I rode two easy kilometres to where I was meeting them for the Launching Place 20km loop. My mum and grandma were driving out to meet us for lunch. And lucky they were! As I was waiting I heard the unmistakeable gush of air passing out of the tube valve, and my back tyre went dead flat! Not good, but the group were coming and they could help. Here was a steep learning curve that I needed and won’t forget. The group leader: Where’s your spare tube? Don’t have one. Okay I’ll see if mine fits, no it doesn’t. That’s okay we’ll patch it, where are your patches? Don’t have any. Okay I’ll use mine, start taking off the tyre, where are your tyre levers? Don’t have any…spoken very quietly!

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Oh dear!

And the reason I didn’t have them? So silly! The week before I went in to Total Rush to get all the bits and pieces, but I forgot the $100 Specialized voucher that comes with Wheel Women membership. So I postponed buying until the next week when I would be passing by for my GP appointment. Sadly this ride came the day before that appointment! Missed it by that much!

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Suffice to say I now have all of the above and more! Because the outcome of the day was no one had the right sized tube to lend me, the patch didn’t hold and the valve got damaged and wouldn’t hold any air. The one bike shop didn’t stock my tube size, so they day ended with an emergency pick up from the family, lunch, and a drive home! Very disappointing but I won’t repeat it! 2km total on a lovely mild day with fair weather all round! Dulp!
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But stay tuned for photos of me doing all the mechanical work with my two bare hands while my hubby commentates from the sidelines. You haven’t seen the last of me!

*Much of the photo credit must go to Tina, possessor of the genius behind all that is Wheel Women. Your talent at taking photos while riding knows no bounds! Thanks for documenting my progress in pictures 🙂

Competition

Saturday afternoon. Flat day. Nothing much to report. Had a few naps. In between I got a very little bit of nothing done. Ate breakfast, had a nap, ate a snack, had a nap, etc! Anything to escape my head, it’s chasing me round and round and I’m so tired.

My husband and a workmate had plans to play squash in the evening. I was very welcome. I wasn’t planning on going, but my husband talked me into going to watch. Then into putting on sporting type clothes for the first time in who knows how long and going to watch. And taking my squash racquet just in case.

So off we went.

There’s a bit of history to this story.

When I was in high school we played squash for one of our year seven PE classes and I really liked it. Didn’t do anything much about it. A couple of times when we had friends over in the holidays we went to the local courts with Mum and Dad’s old racquets and had a game.

Then I moved to Melbourne for uni. My boyfriend (now husband) and I went and played squash a couple of times, again with old racquets, and really got into it. So I got my own racquet and it become our Monday night regular. For two years we played at the cutesy neighbourhood gym every Monday night. We didn’t sign up for the competition; it was our Monday night date night.

After two years I moved suburbs and we kept up the Monday night fixture for a while then it drifted off. The extra distance just made it that much harder and other things came up, like part time work and flat mates to hang out with.

When we got married and move to the country, there wasn’t a squash court within easy distance. We went to the next town over once or twice but we were out of practice and I just annoyed my husband playing feeble shots.

So it’s been a while, and here we are back at the squash court where we used to be regulars. I chose to be scorer for the first match, again not planning to play at all. But then this amazing thing happened!

I love watching sports! Olympic swimming, running, diving, jumping; bike riding, tennis, soccer, footy. I don’t so much care for listening to sports on the radio, it’s okay but not as good as watching, and I never waste my time reading the scores or keeping up with what’s going on in the newspaper.

Those who have ever seen me watch footy on TV will know that I really get into it! I love barracking!! I get really excited.

And watching sports in person, it turns out, really gets me going! I get into the sportsmanship of it, I get into the competition and the skills of the players and my barracking spirit fires up!

And before I know it, I’m playing!! Enjoying it no end too. And here’s a bonus of putting on 18kg in 6 months; I can play awesome shots!! I can really throw my weight behind my backhand and slice, and really nail the return shot!!

I’m actually a competitor to my husband! That is no end of satisfying to me!! I can make him run around the court chasing my awesome shots! Well I better not get too cocky, he and his workmate can still fire shots that I can’t meet. But it’s a LOOONNNGG time since I ran that much by choice, perspired that much by choice and really enjoyed myself! It is a fabulous feeling to compete and win some points; really satisfying!

This is the first time I have actually proven the point that so many people have tried to make to me; that exercise increases your serotonin. However temporarily.

Unfortunately I get home, cool down, wind down and there I am again; down. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Maybe slightly less so; hard to say. With some good memories, and a little rested from the mess in my mind. True. But still back to square one. Disappointing. Ah well, there’s next week. Looking forward to it!