Canberra Day 66

[Wednesday November 16th]

After such a great, but late, night last night I had a bit of a slow start but in a good way. Not because I was feeling depressed, but just because I took my tablets late and am still a bit bombed out. I was excited for this morning. Music at midday with the Royal Military College Duntroon band was on at Canberra Theatre Centre (or so I thought) so that got me out of the house and on my bike at 10.40am for an 11am start. Unfortunately when I put it in my diary I put November instead of December so that was a big let down, and now what to do next? I think I might have gone home and sulked but the Canberra Museum and Gallery happened to be right across the square so…why not? It’s been on my list, here I am right in front with my bike locked up and nothing else on my ticket, so here we go. And actually I’m really glad that I went.

It’s a really interesting place, as museums always are. This one is about the size of 3 exhibition rooms at the Melbourne museum but they pack the content in. The first exhibition was Canberra stories, lots of old tales from the foundation, the war, the building of the city, and all kinds of bits and pieces. Then the UNESCO documents exhibition: famous documents of all kinds, like the Mabo case and diaries, war documents, environmental and historical documents of all kinds! Lots indecipherable to me in the old fashioned joined writing, but fascinating just to see documents so old and to think that back then absolutely everything was written by hand! Then an Australian record in the Guiness book of records for the largest collection of Doctor Who memorabilia! I’ve never watched the show so it was all a bit lost on me, but the amount of stuff the guy had collected was impressive by itself: DVDs, books, Tshirts, posters, mugs…the list goes on! And finally a delightful collection of Sydney Nolan paintings. I’ve never really paid them much attention before, but that guy had the best sense of humour in his paintings! They were all Kelly era paintings but so much comical cheekiness comes across, like the police whose diary page says he had to hide out in a wombat hole, but is actually shown diving into it head first with legs way up in the air and totally visible! If I had one of Sydney Nolan’s paintings in my house I believe it would make me smile every day! Of course if I could afford one of his paintings…

2016-11-16-10

A terrible photo of a great painting…might have to go back for a better one!

The afternoon was a bunch of jobs: trying to find out where our mail is going goes it ain’t coming here, it’s not in Melbourne, it’s not going to our last address, and I don’t believe they’ve received anymore at the office here. Australia Post! Then insurance forms for my next monthly payment, some blogging (not that you’d believe it with how behind I am!), a load of dishes, a load of washing, having a look at some new bird photos and that was all she wrote. I’m pleased with today. I’m glad I got out, even if it was a false start. I still made something of the day and I can be proud of that. Something to remember when I’m feeling like I do nothing and am no one. I found one more thing that makes me smile and that is worth a thousand other things in this world, in my world. 

I’m sort of feeling like I’m crawling out from under a rock in some ways, like I’ve been checked out of life for a while with my head in my own problems and not seeing anything else. But just now I caught my husband’s eye over dinner at our tiny 2 person table and realised that while eating on the couch is easy in our place it just isn’t the same as sitting across from my love and having a conversation. I need to pick myself up out of my own dribble and pay attention before life passes by! 

The Brain

[Author’s note: written last Thursday]

Today I…

…Hmmm.

I just realised that a lot of my writing and thinking starts like this.

That’s one thing about being home by yourself for months; you get to thinking about yourself a lot! And not so much about others.

Plus, you know, the whole life-changing nervous breakdown thing that triggers a lot of soul searching, heart searching, mind searching etc.

Plus being in therapy which encourages looking into yourself and understanding yourself and changing yourself. Plus seeing doctors regularly who ask you about yourself and want an answer about yourself.

Don’t know whether it is bad or good but it is what it is. I’m just noting it for my own reference really. Without judgement, just like my psychologist, mindfulness teacher and gratitude life class coach would say!

So today I went to a free organ concert.

This is something that I’ve wanted to do for a while now and haven’t gotten around to. It’s actually something that I’ve wanted to do ever since school camp to Sydney way back, not sure which year; probably about a decade ago though!! We saw the majestic organ at the Opera House but never got to hear it played. So the idea of hearing an organ concert is something that has been lurking in the back of my brain ever since.

And now it popped up for free! Can’t beat that!

So I went along today and took in the concert.

Annoying thing is, I’m not sure if I enjoyed it. Annoying, frustrating, irritating, worrying, concerning,interesting; pick one, any one.

My logical brain appreciated the size and the grandeur of the organ and the work that went in to building such a large musical instrument. It registered the admirable fact that the organ has been in place for a long time and still rings true thanks to dedication of many people. It realised the lovely surroundings from where I sat including the bright colours of stained glass windows, lovely wooden furniture, carpets and heating that made the environment comfy cosy on a freezing cold rainy day. It took in the detail of paintings and carvings and settings that were meticulous and intricate.

My rational brain heard the satisfying chords of the music played and admired the skill of the organist, and the patience of the girl sitting by to turn pages. It was interested by the variety of other people with a like desire to hear organ music in this day and age, and the ongoing support of obvious regular attendees. It was intrigued by the range of notes and variety of styles in which the organ could be played; impressed really to hear fast furious pieces together with traditional classical music and lyrical hymns. It felt obliged to be satisfied overall because really, wasn’t I ticking off one of my longings?

My physical brain was engaged in making sure that I was comfortable. I overheat very rapidly these days because of my medicines so all my coats and scarves were off. But just to be sure my physical brain checked and checked again and found that I was in fact sweating. Seriously, it was 8 degrees outside and I had just walked into a mildly heated draughty room and I’m wiping sweat off my face! Argh. Moving on, my brain was okay with the seating, the position, the view. It was surprised to find the seats in fact very comfy for an old building, and the view to be very nice.

So my brain goes on, looking, checking, assessing, approving and appreciating.

But is it enjoying? Today I’m just not sure. Usually I can feel it; happiness, joy, enjoyment. But today is one of those days where everything is in place, but I just can’t quite get to where I think I want to be.

Is it the medication, is it the condition, is it just an off day? Was it my lunch not sitting well, the seat slightly skewed, the conversation I just had? Was it my planning for tomorrow, my list of others things I’d like to do, my thoughts on dinner?

I think it will take more time and experience before I know the difference and can say for sure which is which.

I’m glad I did what I’ve wanted to do for so long. I’m sorry I didn’t quite get out of it what I thought. Maybe my expectations were not aligned with reality or maybe today’s just not my day. At least I have the blessing of being able to try it again sometime since the concert is a recurring one. A lot of times we don’t get opportunity a second time so that’s definitely in the plus column!