Canberra Day Thirty!

[Monday 10th October, 2016]

Day Thirty!! Do you know what that means? We’re a third of the way through our adventure! I can’t believe, time has gone so fast. So, time to get cracking on all those other things I plan on doing before we go home! I’ve done a lot but I still have a long list.

This week is World Mental Health Week and today is World Mental Health Day. There are so many days, and weeks, and months, and years that are assigned to different causes these days that it can be hard to have energy for any of them. All I ask is you just take a few minutes to think of your own mental health and make sure you’re okay. And if you’re not, make a plan to do something about it. Don’t just let it be, that never works out well.

So, day thirty. It wasn’t the best of mornings. I woke up with a headache and the pre-pharmacist in me, the uneducated one, tried to sleep it off. Two fitful hours of sleep later and the pharmacist in me finally prevailed and I got up and took 2 Nurofen! The only sensible plan. I love Nurofen, or any of the other brand names of ibuprofen. It really works for me whether it be a headache or period pain. Unfortunately it interacts with one of my mood stabilisers lithium, and so I’m not meant to take it anymore. But because I get severe period pain my psychiatrist has allowed me to take one dose if needed but only rarely. Same for headaches. If I took them together it stops lithium being cleared out of the body through the kidneys. I would get toxic levels of lithium leading to lots of side effects and possibly kidney damage which isn’t to be taken lightly, obviously. So that’s a bit of a pain, but as long as I use ibuprofen sparingly I get by okay. It’s just one of those things.

So, dosed up and ready to roll. Today’s pick was Cockington Green. I’ve been planning to go there since the start and even more so since I won a free day out with Maccas Monopoly! There aren’t many options for redeeming the day out in Canberra, mainly ten tin bowling or the dinosaur museum, but this is one I’m definitely keen on! And it was so worth it; an absolutely fabulous exhibit of 1/12th miniature houses and villages in old England plus an international section of 30 different countries and a mini steam train giving rides. YAY! Unfortunately the weather deteriorated to drizzle and became freezing cold so I did the international exhibit at a breakneck speed trying to out of there before I froze to death! Same with the train ride. Nevermind, I thoroughly enjoyed the main section especially with fairy wrens hopping all over it! But there’s only so much cold you can take even when you’re usually hot blooded like me. So home to put on the central heating and bask in the warmth! A lovely family dinner and games night, there won’t be many more of those! And off to bed.

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It doesn’t really look miniature here because the people and plants are in scale, but its only less than a foot tall.

 

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Canberra Day Eight

I can’t go for any more days without talking about Peanut.

We arrived a week ago last night (can you believe that it’s only been a week?!?) to our brother and sister in law’s house when they were away for the weekend on a fishing trip. We found the key and let ourselves in, and as we were doing so, the cat Peanut peered around the corner at us, decided we were okay, followed us in and that was that!

Next thing he was climbing onto our laps, and putting his paws up around our necks, while purring like a motor. He’s just one year old, and still up for chasing a paper ball around the room, getting scratched under the chin, and fake biting. He’s a gorgeous animal, and even has the two of us wondering if we should get a cat!! Except of course we’re renting right now. But he’s lovely, crawling up beside us on the couch and curling up for a sleep. He does have one unfortunate habit: he likes to be the centre of attention, so if you’re using a phone or laptop he prefers to take your mind off that by walking over it, sitting, or if it calls for desperate measures, lying on it!

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It’s hard to get a good phone photo cos he moves so quickly but you get this gist: sitting on hubby’s right hand so he can’t do anything, sitting on the laptop, giving a cat hug! His hearing is amazing, he knows when his parents are coming home and his ears twitch with sounds that I can’t hear. And he definitely knows when his chicken is coming out of the fridge!! He tries to talk to the birds, chirping and whistling…to what end I’m not certain. But after a week we’re quite smitten! Sadly our family are going on holidays for ten days and so the cat has gone to their parents! So no Peanut for 10 days! I’m already in withdrawals! Me, the outside pet only person! I may yet be wound around Peanut’s fluffy tail!

Upbeat

Well let’s try something a little more upbeat, shall we?

– Amy Adams, Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day

Time for some good news, don’t you think? The last 2 week’s blogs have been a tad depressing. But then again, that’s what we’re dealing with; depression. And it is depressing!

But, time for some good news. Just as long as you don’t think that’s how it actually works in real life. Good news following bad in a nice little ratio. It doesn’t happen neatly like that. The depressing topics can go on for quite a while without relief!

Thanks to my amazing psychiatrist I actually am feeling quite a bit better this week. My meds have been upped again and within 3 days of increasing the dose I was coming up from the depths and feeling better, and my energy and mood have kept on coming up. Thank goodness!

My belief has been renewed that it is possible to get properly medicated and live a reasonably normal life. I stopped believing over the last little while, thinking I was living a doomed life. I have been reminded how closely the analogy of diabetes fits my disease. When a diabetic’s sugar levels go off, they feel awful but they go to the doctor and the doctor changes the level of medication. I just forgot that I need to go to the doctor and ask for more meds when I start sinking; I tend to think it’s on me to fix myself, as if I could! I’ve been reminded very clearly this time that when I’m struggling, it’s not just that I’m struggling, but that there’s something chemical going on in my brain that needs a doctor to sort out. I need to recognize it, and ask for help. That sounds obvious, but it’s not obvious to me, not when I’m sick. I just blame myself, feel like I’m not doing enough to be better, and I hibernate.  So I’m reminded it’s the level of chemicals in my brain that are dictating how I’m going, and when I need more, I need more and I need to ask for it. I’ll try to remember for next time…

I have faith again now, faith that things can be better, and will get better, and will be better. Something I lost lately.

But if I wasn’t feeling better, I was planning to write something “positive” anyway.

You know, so you wouldn’t worry. So you wouldn’t think it was all bleak and dark. To balance out the last two posts. To alleviate your concerns and to reassure you that everything is okay. Because that’s what we do, or at least that’s what I do. People who are emotionally and mentally unwell.

I want you to know when things aren’t going well because I believe in my friends and family knowing the truth. I want you to know, I really do. I think it’s good for a lot of people to know how these things work; so you understand, and maybe so it’ll help you help someone else.

Until all the condolences roll in and everyone is so worried. Until dear friends get scared, and fret about how I am going. Then I think about you, and how it’s affecting you and it makes me anxious, thinking of more questions and concerns, and I back peddle. So sometimes I tell you its all good so you can relax. And so I can relax, and I’m no longer fielding afraid questions from loved ones. My husband says this is insulting to people. To coddle them, and not let them in on the whole truth. To decide what they can handle and what they can’t. To give them the amount of truth that I believe won’t overload them, and by extension, me.

I’m sorry to do this! I don’t mean to take control of the information stream, or insult you, or lie. But it quickly becomes too much for me. Despite this, I don’t want you to change a thing. Please don’t stop feeling concern, or asking me about what’s going on. I’m just letting you in on my crazy brain!

But I think this is a very common thing in people with mental illness. I read a piece recently about “smiling depression” and so many times it IS easier to smile. I try not to be fake, but it’s still my fall back, the easier option.

It’s not about restricting your access to information about my illness and how I’m going. Like I said, I want you to know; at least theoretically. I have a limited capacity for emotion, including other people’s, when I’m not well. This is why sometimes I still say “fine”, “okay”, “not bad”, “good thanks” to skirt the question of how I’m going. Because when I’m really not well, just a simple “how are you?” is enough to bring me to tears, and have I mentioned how much I hate crying? Especially in front of anyone else! But I’m trying to be honest and open, so bear with me.

Sometimes I want you to think I’m okay, or not so bad so I can slink back to bed without attention.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate your concern.

I want to promote understanding of mental illness, but sometimes the kind concern and loving questions, while so touching, are a lot to deal with when I’m operating at low emotional capacity! When I’m better it’s a lot easier to process and when I’m well it’s easy, just the same as you or anyone, but of course the same thoughts and  questions don’t apply then.

But I am well this week. I’ve got energy, motivation, stamina. I feel good! Everything is easier. I’m doing more, and it’s draining me less, and not exhausting me just to move. My husband is happy, the house is in a little bit shape, things are just good. So none of this is fake. These are the real positives that I can see clearly with my eyes right now. Yay!

  • I’ve gotten out of bed every day this week, and sometimes before noon! Really!
  • I’ve talked to a potential employer via email and on the phone, and done an in-person job interview
  • I’ve done groceries, dropped off some clothes to be mended, washed and dried sheets, posted some clothes for refund, tidied up my side of the bedroom, even cooked dinner one night! Don’t get your hopes too high though, that’s about all I’ve done!
  • I’ve been to my GP for an appointment, to a doctor for an ultrasound, to a careers counsellor for help getting a job, and to KFC when I couldn’t figure out what to eat for lunch! That’s a lot of outings and socialising for me! On the days I went out, I went to bed when I got home, usually for an hour and a half…but I didn’t nap on the days that I didn’t go out, so that’s something
  • All this out and about meant I got some sunshine on 2 separate days. Actually on the skin sunshine!

So that’s me for this week. It’s not a lot from the viewpoint of my old life, but these days I take whatever I can take, and this is relatively awesome!

How about you? How are you? I’d love to hear from you.