MYOB

[6th June, 2017]

Okay, wait. Just give me a minute, read on and it will all (hopefully) become clear.

“What other people think of you is none of your business” – various, or unknown

I had never heard of this philosophy until I needed psychology and psychiatry to fix my mind, or before I got into self improvement-type thoughts and ideas to do my part. Before the last 4 years, what other people thought of me was a major part of my daily life. Anxiety about who thought what about me, insecurity about how others saw me, fretting over any less than perfect social interaction, losing sleep over a joke at my expense, nightmares about potentially horrific social scenarios; I could go on. But I’ve tried hard to put these things in the past with helpful sentiments like the one above. It doesn’t always work, but it works a lot better than it did before I ever tried it! Now I try to mind my own business when it comes to my life, and just do my own thing.

It doesn’t always work out that you can afford to ignore other people’s thoughts about you. This last week I’ve been dealing with a not-so-hot probation review, a first  ever for me. It seems like it doubles as a first warning so its been pretty hard to process that one without losing sleep and getting pretty ruffled in my mind! More about that later. In the meantime its a challenge to work out what is my business to attend to, and what I can let pass through my brain and somehow spit out without it doing too much damage on the way through. And isn’t this the central dilemma of this philosophy? Applying it 100% would lead to big problems, but knowing what degree to apply it to a situation is not a science; its definitely an art!

So…any ideas? I’m still thinking.

For now, I’m going to go and do the things that I know I can do, and do well, which today is bird watching and photography. And isn’t this a clincher for bird of the day? It’s slightly out of focus here due to how WordPress handles cropping photos, sorry.

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Superb Fairy Wren, male at least 4 to 5 years of age

Something to enjoy, to feel good about, to distract from unpleasantness in life: that’s birding to me. Never mind that for about half of the 3 hour walk it was showering rain. Doesn’t matter that my socks and shoes got thoroughly wet and I squelched all the way back to the car park. Don’t worry that my legs got chafed and my feet got sore. Can’t help it that the long distance photos were all blurry and foggy from the rain and mist.

It was a day out of the house, where I had to get dressed, and eat meals, and talk to other humans; lovely humans who wanted to talk about our common interests and nothing else. Where all I had to do was mind my own business and attend to my own interests and needs. Somewhat selfishly I suppose, but in a therapeutic way. I saw 41 different types of birds myself in 3 hours, which has to come close to being a personal record. I walked for hours in picturesque surroundings which were beautiful, even through rain. And captured photos like the one above, like this one here. Photos that soothe my mind, pictures to look back on maybe, to publish somewhere possibly. And it made the day a good day. Today was a good day. Better than any day since that review. This is a good thing. So for now, I’m good. The rest will come back in time, and I’ll deal with it then, but for now I’m minding my own business.

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Red-browed finch

The end

A medication order comes to the dispensary late in the day. It’s from the adult psychiatric ward, who only have an attending clinical pharmacist for half of the day, and a pager service for the rest of the day. Because the order is up to the 7th day and the bottom of the page is initialed by ward pharmacists from 3 different days that show they have reviewed the whole chart, it seems straight forward to supply with no need to page the busy ward pharmacist. Especially as the last initial was from the day prior. This shows me that all of the  work has been done to make sure the order is safe, appropriate, avoids their allergies, is monitored as necessary and is okay with all of the other medications. Not a lot of people see the work that pharmacists do to keep them safe while they’re in hospital, but those 2 letters at the bottom of the medication chart mean a great deal!

I go to dispense the medication in our software, and it comes up that the patient is in the oncology ward! Confusing, since the order clearly has the psych ward written on it. So I ask the oncology pharmacist and get a story like no other that I’ve heard yet!

This patient has met SCLC. That’s medical shorthand for advanced lung cancer that was possibly incurable from the the start, most likely caused by smoking, which has spread from the lungs throughout the body via the blood stream and deposited in the usual place that lung cancer goes to: the brain. Isn’t medical terminology amazing? 7 letters that tell me all of that!!

When a cancer spreads the medical term is that it metastasises. The cancer clumps that have spread away from the primary, or first discovered/diagnosed cancer are known as metastases, shortened to mets. This patient has brain mets. The cancer has spread from the lungs into the bloodstream and traveled around the body before settling in the brain and growing there. This is now a secondary cancer because it has come from the primary cancer. We can prove this by taking samples of both cancers; they will have the same histology or cell type, and the same structure and growth pattern. Each type of cancer has a typical pattern of where the mets will appear. Patients with lung cancer will be screened for brain mets. Breast cancer patients will be scanned for bone mets and etc.

I sometimes hear or read of people saying that a person has breast cancer and bone cancer and brain cancer, as though they were 3 different types. The odds of that are really absurb; it’s a once in a lifetime patient sort of odds. Much more likely, it’s breast cancer which has spread to the bone and then the brain. That’s nothing to do with the anything, just something that I’d like people to know.

SO getting back to the story! Our patient has advanced, likely to be life-ending lung cancer that has spread throughout the body and has established in the brain. At this point they cannot be cured of their cancer without very extensive surgery to remove the cancerous lung and brain tissue, and severe chemotherapy and radiation therapy…and even then it’s doubtful! And its a very high cost to pay, especially removing part or all of the lung/s and part of the brain!! Brain and lung surgery? And possible transplant to replace them? for no guarantee? It would be a very brave doctor to recommend that course of treament, unless the patient were very young and fit…which is unlikely given this cancer is caused by smoking.

So at this point we offer palliative care, or end-of-life care, or comfort care. Or try to.

Usually we try to get the patient back home with the appropriate supports of doctors visits to the home or at their usual clinic, nursing care in the home if the patient can’t do for themselves, plenty of medications and basically whatever it is that they’d most like to fill their final days or weeks or months with. If they can’t be sent home we at least give them a private room, unlimited family visits, their little dog/cat coming in, vases for flowers, unobtrusive nursing care and medications, comforting doctors rounds, limiting anything not fully essential like blood tests or blood pressure checks, and again, basically whatever they want that is feasible.

Once we had a wedding, in the patient’s garden around the side with the couples children and close family then day leave and permission for one alcoholic beverage. She died 3 days later at 40 something. Everyone cried about the wedding, either at it, or thinking about it, or seeing her come in from home in her wedding dress on oxygen holding her kids hands.

I’ve seen patients is deep distress changing completely when their little dog is brought in. They coo and talk to it, cuddle it, put their face next to it, and just relax so much. It’s such a tear jerking experience! The change in them, that peace, all that matters is they’ve seen their little dog and it’s going to be okay, and all is okay with the patient somehow.

But in this case, that isn’t going to be an option as such. In this unfortunate patient, the cancerous growth of the brain mets has set off a full blown psychosis! The pressure of  the extra growth onto the brain stretching the brain sac, the location of the mets pushing on certain areas of the brain, physical and chemical changes etc can cause different symptoms like confusion, delerium but I’ve never heard of this before. Think hallucinations, delusions, aggression and violence…such that the oncology ward wasn’t able to deal with the patient anymore and they’ve been sent to the psych ward! That’s not the place for comfort care, for a nice big room with flowers and family spending quality time at the end of life. Instead it’ll be sedation, anti-psychotics, possibly restraints, surrounded by other disturbed patients in an environment that’s hardly welcoming.

And that’s how little control we have over the end of our lives.

Medical conditions eventually get us all, one way or another. I think we should recognise that. We will all die of a medical condition, and can I add, or mental health condition. And we don’t have a lot of control over any of it!

Now it’s full psychosis as a result of lung cancer as a result of smoking.

It might be kidney failure and second daily dialysis as a result of diabetes as a result of a fatty diet.

It might be suicide as a result of desperation as a result of depression.

Where is the control?

So wouldn’t it be nice if we thought of them all the same?

I would love to live in a world where no one ever described death by suicide as selfish.

Because if we can call suicide selfish, what on earth would we call the death due to smoking or a bad diet?? We feel very emotional about the unfairness and randomness of cancer, but is that really in line with how we think about suicide? Depression can be very random and is never fair. It distresses us to see patients on dialysis and in the inevitable spiral to death that comes with kidney disease, but isn’t that just exactly how we could describe the progress of an unwell patient with insufficiently treated depression?

I’d prefer there be no blame on anyone.

As a fatty who is struggling to exercise and diet through her medication haze and bipolar up and down blips, am I really going to say I told you so to diabetes, high cholesterol, and all the consequences thereof, stroke, heart attack, high blood pressure, kidney failure to name a few?

As a depressive who has spent 3 years trying, trying, trying through all the low mood, low motivation, low energy, low self esteem, low interest, low care and everything that comes in that huge big black box, I certainly can never blame anyone who just couldn’t take it anymore, and doesn’t know how else to escape but through death.

The smoking one I’m still in debate with myself over. I guess because I’ve never smoked and I’ve never had to quit, I can much more easily see why it’s a bad idea. However, my judgement is reserved for those who didn’t know it was bad when they took up the habit. People who grew up in my era (can I call it an era yet?) know it’s bad, and took it up anywhere. But again, because my mind sees all angles, I realise that there could still be a lot of factors as to why they did take it up: parents who smoked, peer pressure left over from the 90s, depression/anxiety, and a bunch more. Point being, I don’t think you should smoke but I do know it can be incredibly hard to stop, just like the gym is something I should do and find hard to!

My aim for us all: let’s work together to realise that in the end, we quit, we exercise, we try, but that’s not a guarantee, just a higher likelihood of control.