Success

It’s been a big week. I’ve been at opposite ends of the emotional scale and I’m a bit frazzled. A bit frayed, a bit stretched too far, a bit edgy and nervous. But I’m here, I’m overall doing okay so we press on. And let’s bear a thought for the people that have been there with me. Who’ve felt for me, who I’ve felt for; they’ve been all over the place and back again, some much more than me.

I’ve been higher than I’ve been for a long time. And not a high-due-to-mania high but a regular this-is-how-normal-people-react-to-good-things way, which is the awesome part! I had something good happen and I reacted and behaved just like a normal people-person. In a something-good-has-happened-to-me way, and in an I-want-to-jump-up-and-down-about-it way. Not with depression, not with mania, not with anxiety. Well not much anxiety anyway. Gotta have a little; its a big deal

So what happened? I got the job! I GOT THE JOB! I GOT THE JOB!!!!!! I GOT THE PERFECT JOB!!!!!!!!!!

The job that is 4 minutes walk from my house. The job that is part time; two days one week and three days the next. The job that is everything I’ve done before in my career. The job that has lovely people who are already very supportive and willing to give me a go. Cos it is a big deal for them to take me on. I haven’t worked full time since March 3, 2014 and I haven’t worked part time since October 14, 2014. They don’t know how I’ll go getting back to work but they’re prepared to take the chance which is just amazing.

I can’t tell you how much my confidence has increased in the last couple of weeks from rewriting my resume and looking at what I’ve accomplished so far; going to an interview and establishing a rapport with the interviewers, being able to sell my strengths and nailing the clinical question despite so long away from the hospital wards; hearing back that I was the best applicant and that I’ve been offered the job.

I lost so much confidence, trust and faith in myself after I went off work sick. Sitting at home not exercising my brain, not using any of my knowledge and skills, not able to keep up my practice was brutal on my self worth and identity. And has been brutal over a long time, to the point where I sometimes felt that I would never practice as a pharmacist again. I’d never proved that I could retain knowledge and skills over a period of non use.

But now I have, and it’s been an enormous relief to me! I’ve still got it! I can still do it. I’m not useless, I can go out and make a difference and earn a wage and contribute something to the universe. Pheeewwww!!

And then there was the darkness. A dear special friend in very real danger reached out to me. I was honoured they came to me. But the task given to me to save the day was a very difficult one and I experienced such fear and worry and helplessness. Nothing compared to what they felt, but still real to me. It made me return to some of my difficult days and use the pain and suffering I remembered and try to give the antidotes that I’d found. But ultimately the day was saved, by a combined effort of concerned family and friends. The success which gave me a whole other sense of relief and alleviated fear and even achievement.

Which got me thinking about success. Again. I’ve been thinking about it on and off for a while now. What is success? How to we measure success? How do we know when we have achieved success?

In my job interview I was asked a question that caused me to be a bit flummoxed. At the end of your work day, how do you measure success? What needs to happen in the day for you to feel that you have been successful at your job?

In every other job that I’ve had the number of patients seen in the day has mostly been the measure of success. You have this many patients and you need to provide this level of pharmaceutical care to each of them. Not meeting this demand was a stressful event!

But an unexpected thing happened. My new boss has a much different and very refreshing philosophy. Accepting that there is insufficient funding to provide the ideal pharmacy service that we all dream of, management have taken the view that seeing every one of your allocated patients probably isn’t possible.

So instead they want pharmacists to find satisfaction in the good work that they do for each patient that they see. They want pharmacists to do there best work for patients one by one instead of rushing yourself to show on paper that you’ve seen each patient, when in fact you’ve probably skimmed each one. By prioritising patients and doing your best work for each patient that you can see in the day, management hope that there is higher job satisfaction. And I believe that there will be! Which is a success.

That’s success on the high side. Me, back in a job, helping patients and providing a clinical service. Or anyone doing that, really. It’s not all about me. Holding a job, earning a wage, paying a mortgage, being financially independent, completing study and I’m sure you can think of more. Being a friend, achieving personal goals.

Success on the low side is totally different. It’s not about ideals and doing your best work and demands and expectations. It’s about survival. Surviving the night, the day, the hour, the next five minutes. It’s about accepting whatever help is necessary to get by, taking whoever’s hand you are able to grasp to pull you back up, using the little strength and will you have to just hold on. It’s a whole different picture and the contrast to success on the high side is enormous.

So whatever your success is, well done! You worked hard for it and you deserve to be acknowledged for all that work and for the courage that it took to start and finish that work. Whether it was getting a promotion or putting down the poison or making great strides in your fitness or deciding to keep on going. You have done a great job and I’m proud of you!

To my dear who kept living, my darl who keeps facing it alone, and each one of you who has had success in any part of your life: you are amazing and an inspiration to me every day!

Progress

16th August 2014

Dear friends,

It’s been a while! My apologies. Would you believe that the reason for this is that I’m moving on, happily living my life? Joyfully and happily I can tell you that this is the new way of life here around about me. It’s very exciting and I’m very relieved because for a fair while there I just wasn’t sure how it was all going to come together for me.

I read a meme recently that said that depression lies and I can absolutely concur with that!
Depression lies.
It tells you that you’ll never be happy again.
It tells you moreover that you CAN’T and WON’T be happy ever again.
It tells you that there is no change that you can make, no addition or retraction that will make enough difference to lift you up into an acceptable life.
It tells you not to bother, it’s not going to make a difference anyway so it’s all pointless.
Might as well just lie down and wait for the inevitable end.
In fact, why not help yourself out and hasten that end, save yourself and everyone else a lot of feeble meanderings and bother, all for nothing; just get it over.

And so on and so forth, forever and ever! No reason to rehearse all of that again. Even now remembering these things reminds me of the lethargy, the tiredness, the sadness, the alone-ness, the can’t-do-anything-ness of these lying words.

So when I say I’m relieved to be living happily, I mean megaly relieved! It is an ecstatic feeling to be out and away from the big black cloud, out in the sunshine, living life like the “ordinary” people.
Whoever and wherever they are. If I’ve learned anything through the experiences of the last long 18 months, it’s the fact that nobody has a easy comfortable trouble free life. Everyone everywhere has troubles and problems and you just don’t know who where is suffering what. So truly all we can do is to be kind to each other. That’s not always easy, and I haven’t learned the secrets of it but it can be a life goal to aim for at least.

I’m not saying that I’m out and away from the black dog and that I’ll never be troubled with him ever again. Far from it. But for the first time in literally a year or more, I have had two months of stable moods and this is such an amazing and thrilling thing that I could just dance!

For two whole months I have had no episodes of deep depression, no periods of mild depression and in fact have not been depressed hardly even a little bit at all! I have not had any mania, any intense feelings of can-do or rush rush rush or hilarity or overdone-ness. Not even at all. Two solid months of just being even. Sitting pretty. Same mood day in day out, week in week out and I’ve finally clocked up month in month out!! YES!!!

Ah it is truly glorious, out of the shadow and into the light 🙂 Can you tell that I’m a little bit happy and excited?!?

I’m not saying everything is hunky dunky. There are still issues. But that large top layer of major problem has finally been cracked through and it’s a beautiful thing! Being human, of course once the major problem is looking to be in good order, our brain that is programmed to scan for problems 5 times more than benefits starts kicking up other smaller, but in their own way relevant problems. Which we’ll come to later on.

But for now, I’m blissfully enjoying this feeling of having the weight of bipolar lifted up off my shoulders for the time being. It’ll be back; it’s here for life after all. But we can enjoy every last bit of this period of respite.

Thank you for every person, every thought, every word, every kindness, every message, every email, every prayer, every visit, every coffee, every meal, every anything that has given me a booster along the way. You all have helped build this success and I hope that each one of you can join in my happiness and delight right now.

Much love to you all and look forward to catching up with each of you soon,

Danika,