Point Cook

Friday 16th March, 2018

This one is for a patient from ED tonight who I had a great chat with about photography. No I wasn’t neglecting my work, there weren’t that many other patients to see at that point, and it’s my hobby…always happy to chat about it!

I learnt a lot! About camera clubs at a local, state, national and international level including one that I might go along to locally, we talked about his 3 dark rooms, I heard about UV and infrared photography, and we talked camera models, good lenses for bird photography…and we could have gone on!! But eventually work has to come to the fore.

Anyway, since I shared my blog but haven’t put up a lot of my photos later, I guess I better. These are some shots that I liked from an outing with Birdlife Australia, Melbourne branch to Point Cook on Wednesday. A great walk, perfect bushwalking weather, nice company and a few stunning and semi-co-operative birds! It all makes for a great day out. The day was a bit misty/smoggy so as I cropped all the photos they became a bit murky; apologies!

Brown Falcon

Brown Falcon, better not shooting into the light! 

I got a whole series of shots of this gorgeous creature because you never know how close you’ll be able to get, but this was a youngish bird so we got very close in the end, slowly step by step. So the blurry shot isn’t really excusable, but unfortunately these days I have a degree of hand shaking that is bugging me – I really need to learn to wind up my shutter speed beyond what I’ve done in the past. I have cropped this shot.


Brown Falcon, same bird but shot into the glary sky

The conditions of the day make a huge difference as far as the photos you can achieve.


The glare of the sky adds so much light into the camera that it can be hard to make out detail of the subject when you shoot into the light and it is backlit; this is where being able to use your settings well really comes into play…or you just accept that you are operating in impossible conditions…but what fun would that be??


A Crested Tern on the wing


Love Terns, they are so acrobatic in the air and a delight to photograph!


Now THIS is a series I’m super proud of!! Just saying…a little stoush



Now THAT’S the type of shot I want to be taking!


Whistling Kite, not a great shot but the best I got


Perfect! Do you know how close I had to get to this Superb Fairywren for this shot? Actually I had to wait for it to get this close to me. Time and patience pays off! About 2 metres away


This scrappy looking guy is a male Superb Fairywren in eclipse, halfway moulting between immature and full male adult plumage in the non breeding season – this means he’s less than 5 years old


I was sitting at lunch and all the birds took off in a big Kuffluffle behind me! It’s a tell tale sign of a bird of prey flying over; there’s a consensus amongst all the birds that this is a bad thing. 4 magpies suddenly went into attack mode and I discovered exactly where the bird of prey was! Not in focus but a nice action shot, I didn’t have much time to get off a shot


Again, poor focus but I’m proud of this shot because I was the only one in a group of 20 that got a shot, and so I contributed a Brown Goshawk to the day’s count – I’m happy with that!!


Spot the Little Wattlebird!


Not perfect but a Black Kite right above my head?? Wow!


And 2 Black Kites up there?? Perfection!


This was my other moment of contribution – an immature Australasian Gannet, in the bay, out of the colony, away from Geelong, all on its own! I picked it out, someone else labelled it, lots of excitement all around! Love the spotty plumage – the adult is very monochrome


Silver gulls (usually called Seagulls), Crested Terns, Chestnut Teal ducks, Little Pied Cormorant – these are all roosting in shallow water in the bay


Little Pied Cormorants and Pied Cormorants – you can see the size difference clearly

Well, there’s some recent photos. I was overall a bit disappointed with the quality which was partly due to the weather with the glare and the smog, partly due to the settings being poorly managed and somewhat to do with this shake. Maybe I need to make a tripod part of my regular outfit for camera stability, maybe I need to go back to photography school to refresh the basics of which settings to use when, and let’s see what the doctor says about my tremor!



34 hours

I do love me an obscure heading but this one defines itself pretty quickly.

A recap: I started this job, as you know, in a casual position working in the dispensary at Epworth Richmond way back on August 30th 2017. Can you believe that it’s been 5 and a bit months that I’ve been here? It’s an absolutely essential role, yes, but one that I would be happy not to have to fill very much ever again for the remainder of my career. I don’t have anything against working in the dispensary, but I’ve been a clinical pharmacist on the wards since 2010, and being back in the dispensary had me feeling a bit boxed in! In fact I’ve been a clinical pharmacist in heart since my first hospital placement at the Austin hospital with the wonderful Grace in 2008, but that’s kind of beside the point, I guess. I loved working in the dispensary for the social side; there are some great people working dispensary. One of the things I never expected I’d miss when I left work was the social side of it, always having been a pretty independent worker. But you miss the chit chat when you’re home alone all day! I’m afraid its made me a bit of a chatter box now, and probably one of those annoying sharers of inane stories, but I’m just excited to be having a conversation with someone other than myself. This is ironic to myself because of one such annoying girl that I used to hardly be able to stand back in the day; full circle, around we come!

So I jumped, almost literally jumped, at the chance to switch lanes back to a clinical role in the emergency department when I heard about an opportunity. I interviewed for the spot on September 13th and started working with my new boss (love her!!) on the 25th. Going part time rather than purely casual was definitely a bonus, but I kept the casual position going since the part time gig is only 19 hours per week. I say only, at the beginning that was as much as I wanted, and putting on one other shift was all I could imagine. I’ve done several casual dispensary shifts in the months following at Richmond, and now also at Epworth Eastern (Box Hill) for some diversity, and because it takes 5 minutes walk to get there! It’s good money, being casual, especially if they’re shorter shifts that don’t take as much out of me physically, but I’ve learnt not to take on 2 days in a row standing up, or accept the dreaded 5 to 10pm dispensary shift at Richmond because all catastrophe breaks loose after 9pm! I don’t know what happens to hospital workers after dark, but it’s not good. Everyone gives you attitude, demands the impossible, gives you grief over everything, sends you ridiculous requests and it’s just generally chaotic. Plus the 5 to 10pm shift is usually paired with an 8am start next day and two of those combo shifts were enough! For most people its no big deal, but I can’t hack that turn around, I can’t handle my sleep being messed with; it’s just not worth it. Goodbye 10pm finishes, goodbye stand-all-day shifts day after day. That’s the beauty of being casual, you pick and choose whatever shifts work for you, so I keep being told. It’s taken me a good long while to get this through my head. I’m much more of the accepting-all-requests personality. But in the end, if it wears you down, if it affects your sleep, or your health then you have to make the tough call and say no, however much your personality yells, just this once, it’ll be okay, just say yes. I’m still bad at it, I’m always tempted to accept more than I know I should when that voice is asking me down the phone…but I have to remind myself to look after me first. The selfish choice, the reserve-your-super-powers-for-another-day choice. It’s hard to explain, its hard to do but you just have to.

Ever since I’ve been returning to work after that whole breakdown thing (Box Hill public hospital, Priceline Boronia and now at Epworth private), being on my feet has been the major rate-limiting step of each and every day. I keep hoping its going away, but its not. The old plantar fasciitis in my right heel just keeps on shooting up through my heel; the extra 40 kilograms I’m carrying is weighing down through my ankles contributing to the general ache I guess, I cannot seem to pick a good pair of work shoes to save myself it so heel blisters come and go and come and go, and getting a pair of sockettes that don’t fall down or bunch or cut in at the seams is another nightmare, and so we go on day to day, seeing if I can survive the amount of standing and walking that the day demands.  Sometimes I really barely can get those last steps to home, and I mean this literally. Stumbling up the drive in pain with blisters roaring, heel stabbing, desperate to get off my feet and get them legs horizontal! On standing-all-day days, my main strategy is shifting from foot to foot, walking whenever I can including extra “toilet” breaks, and more to the point, sitting at every single possible imaginable opportunity, sometimes ludicrously. All while trying to ensure no one realises what’s going on, because, like, you wouldn’t want to anyone to think you were weak, would you?!? Wretched pride. I’ll happily divulge my mental illness once I’ve known someone a short while, but pity help them finding out I can’t do the job physically! Sheesh, what a weirdo!! So I grit and grit and take every break I can squeeze and push on, but I do not relish those days when I know I’ll be standing all day, which are the days I spend on dispensary duty. At this point a saying comes to mind: “push through the barriers”. It’s been said to me, but if you only knew how much I push on through every work shift, how it drains me, how I die inside a bit…, believe me, I’m pushing on. Remember when I used to lay in bed all day? I daydream some days that I’m back there, mostly when I’ve been standing at the same bench for an hour. Ah, to be lying down with my legs up!

It’s getting easier now, in one sense, and harder in another. It’s getting easier to knock back the dispensary shifts because I am now getting offered clinical shifts on the wards!! Yeah baby!! The ED thing is a dream come true, and this is pretty close behind! So now that I’ve done some training I can formally back fill and cover the medical ward and kids ward for any pharmacist’s annual leave or sick leave. And at the moment, I’m doing some filling in for my boss who is acting director of pharmacy. Yippee! More clinical work, fuller calendar, less dispensary availability…that is apart from the shifts that I agreed to before this came up, but its all good; I’ll manage them as they come and then let them be bygones.

Which brings us to 34 hours. For THE first time since I walked out on my excellent fulfilling cutting edge full time job at the Alfred in mental health crisis in March 2014, I worked almost a full pharmacy week, which is 40 hours in public hospital; it’s actually less in private hospital but this has always been the goal in my mind. I worked 34 hours the week starting Monday 15th January and I’m thrilled! In my mind it brings me full circle to where I left off, and I have to admit two things: 1) that this has been a major goal in my mind, and 2) that I really did think it would never happen again in my lifetime; that I’d never be well enough ever again. You can sense the satisfaction, surely! I did it! I got back there! I came full circle and ticked a box that I felt doomed never to achieve, and it feels really good. Of course it’s not just the hours worked. It’s the work itself: feeling like I’m back to being useful, back to being the standard of pharmacist I was then (which I’m not fully, but the point is I’m on my way), that I’m back to being a functioning member of the workforce. I don’t know why being a useful home keeper never felt enough in my mind. I think its all about feeling torn from a place and occupation I loved, and the idealisation of that place and occupation as the ultimate indicator of success in bringing this mental illness beast under control and in subjection. Of course its folly to think its ever totally in control and subjection, but I dream! My GP so wisely pointed out that I am not to be doing it to make the point; that’s not a healthy perspective, and I think I’d realised that shortly before he said it. I did it, I ticked something in my mind, but that’s it now; there’s nothing more to prove. I proved it to myself, that’s all I ever needed, so now settle back and enjoy the work and the hours for their own sake, without any pressure to meet a target that in the end is pretty meaningless really.

Do you know what I think the most powerful balm is in all of this? Every shift I work on the wards or in ED beyond my part time hours, is filling in for someone either on leave or pulled somewhere else. I’m filling a role that were I not there, would not be filled. Excuse the false terminology but its the hero complex; the idea that were I not there, things would be worse, so I’m being so very useful. That can’t help but stroke the ego and I’m as vain as the next person, I suppose. Because I got out of bed and went to work instead of the opposite, I can do some good for a patient; it’s a powerful motivator on the reluctant mornings.

Anyway, here’s what I’ve been up to lately:

  • Week starting 15th Jan: 34 hours being my usual 19 hours plus 2 full day shifts, one shadowing the pharmacist rostered to the medical and paediatric wards, and one working side by side
  • Week starting 22nd Jan: 22.5 hours being my usual Monday only (1 public holiday Friday and 1 annual leave Saturday), and 2 full day extra shifts working the medical/paediatric wards
  • Week starting 29th Jan: 29 hours being my usual 19 hours plus 2 half day extra shifts in ED
  • Week starting 5th Feb: 31.5 hours being my usual 19 hours plus 1 extra full shift in ED and medical/paediatric combined, and 1 extra half shift in medical/paediatric
  • Week starting 12th Feb: 32.5 hours being my usual 19 hours plus 1 full day and 1 part day in the Epworth Eastern dispensary


I can hardly believe the numbers myself but they don’t lie. As for how it went, it’s taken me too many words and too much time getting this far, so the how can wait for the next edition. See you then!

Private hospital 101

I work at a private hospital, in the emergency department (ED). Prior to starting this job in August last year, I had spent all of my career, apart from the obvious gaps when I was sick, in public hospitals. The change has been quite interesting from several financial prespectives.

  1. Funding private hospital ED

In a public hospital emergency department, as long as you have a Medicare card, everything is free. To you, I mean; obviously the cost has to go somewhere, so it goes to the government because they believe in free access to healthcare for all Australians through their funded hospitals. It’s actually one of THE most amazing, and EXTREMELY underappreciated benefits to living in Australia. Whatever you think of any government down under, you absolutely SHOULD respect and appreciate this benefit of life here. If you had any idea how much money you rack up in one long wait in ED for nursing care, medical care, tests and scans, medications, interventions and so on, I think you would be shocked! We are talking hundreds if not thousands of dollars over several hours, and that’s just in ED. Try to think of healthcare, and paying your taxes, from this perspective; maybe you’ll be calmer in the ED, and more resigned to all that money you fork over to the government.

To access the emergency department where I work, you pay $300 upfront before you walk in the door which is an out of pocket fee, not rebatable by your health insurance, paid on the spot before anything else happens. Basically it’s a general fee against the types of costs you rack up, such as medications, blood tests, Xrays and CT scans. If you end up accumulating costs above this payment, they may be charged to you. At the beginning of working here I thought this wasn’t great, or fair, as far as healthcare equity goes . But now I think about it differently. We are one private hospital. In the city of Melbourne there are 3 major public hospitals: Royal Melbourne Hospital, St Vincent’s public hospital, and The Alfred, as well as specialized public hospitals: Victorian Comprehensive Cancer Care, Royal Children’s hospital, The Women’s, Eye and Ear hospital. That’s plenty of public health to go around, and its just in Melbourne city; not the suburbs. There are other private hospitals as well, and I’ve come around to accepting that there’s a valid place for both. We are only trying to recuperate costs outlaid because the government doesn’t fund our patients, we do, at least in the outpatient setting. That’s what category the ED technically falls into, outpatient; in fact sometimes you hear it referred to as outpatients. Private health insurance, check the small print, only covers the INPATIENT stay once the patient is admitted to the ward so if we don’t get some money somehow for what we do in ED, we are totally out of pocket ourselves, and as a private enterprise, we wouldn’t be able to continue to offer healthcare, which would be bad for everyone, not least of all me whose whole day is spent in ED which I love!! So yes, I do now see the virtue. Yet somehow, when I see someone on a stretcher with a vomit bag being asked to sign waiver forms for their $300, it still generates an ick factor!! Weird, huh?!?

I would add, because it is relevant, that the $300 fee does also serve a function of natural selection where those who can afford it come into our ED, and those who can’t afford it, don’t. That’s not to say that they are just turned away, not at all. We always ensure they are transferred to a public hospital that can care for them without the money burden. And all patients coming in by ambulance are informed before arriving that the fee applies to them, so that they can choose to go to a public hospital should they not want to pay. So, would you pay?

Another day, another dollar

Yep, the stories go on and on. I’ll amuse myself telling tales and when you get sick of them, let me know 🙂

The person in this story isn’t a patient, although they seem to feel themselves at home in our hospital. Confidentiality isn’t really an issue here so using his name doesn’t concern me; although his surname, which would be more useful, is unknown. What fascinates me about this man is his brazenness! Not a word often used but totally applicable in this case. Bold, no shame, confident, aggressive, a real pain in the butt might be other terms equally suited. This man came up at our staff meeting today. This is a very rare occurrence; an individual being named in a staff meeting. Actually I don’t think it’s happened more than once before, and then for a very regular patient having treatments all over the hospital with the aim of improving provision of services.

So, why? Turns out this guy has been harassing staff all over the hospital. I’d been around once on night shift when he came into our retail pharmacy (out the front of the hospital dispensary) and it wasn’t pleasant. Staff reported he was swearing at and abusing pharmacy assistants and pharmacists alike including racial abuse to our gorgeous Asian pharmacist, and extremely inappropriate abuse to all of the women. Then he was tampering with products indicating no intention to buy (that’s the high brow description, attempting to steal is the other version) and generally being a big nuisance. They had to dedicate a staff member just to watch him, and when he saw that he got more aggressive and started on the poor unfortunate girl watching, then the pregnant pharmacy assistant. At which point the girls naturally wanted a fella out the front to try to get this guy out, but I think the guy they dragged out from the dispensary was more terrified than they were! At which point I found out that I don’t actually know how to call for security! No one has ever showed me! Dulp! In the end he took himself off, but since then its become a semi-regular occurrence that he comes in and makes a scene, so now in staff meeting we’re informed that not only have the police been involved with this drug-using, homeless guy in these subsequent incidents, but he is now officially banned from the pharmacy!

But wait…there’s more! Concurrent to these incidents, but not knowing it was the same person, I’d been made aware of a man who had walked right in the door of ED, straight into the patients toilets, and preceding to shoot up whatever drugs it was that he had on him at the time! He was interrupted with a needle in his vein and had to be dragged out and kicked out the door by police!! So there was a general alert put out: if you see this man, alert security and the police and don’t approach him directly; drug users are notorious for using syringes, clean or otherwise, used or otherwise as weapons, which ends badly. FYI this is the reason why its strongly recommended that all pharmacists are vaccinated against hepatitis A and B. It may be overkill but better safe than sorry if a pharmacy hold-up goes south. Next day? Back again, now in the ridiculous comic “disguise” of a sombrero and aviators!! Seriously dude? Where are you going with this? Luckily the triage nurse recognised him, called out his name and told him she’d call the police, so he did a cool, calm and collected about-face and sauntered on out again! Too bad he hasn’t been banned from the hospital, too bad for us I mean, but I guess hospitals can’t really ban folks, something about ethics I guess.

Next? A man, unknowingly the same man, now onto trick number 3 walks through the main entrance of the hospital, catches the lift up to the 5th level, walks into a patient room, into the bathroom, and has a shower!! Yes, he helps himself to a shower, then, wait for it…he tucks himself into bed!!! I’m still boggled at the nerve of someone to walk into a hospital like you belong, and just make yourself completely at home where you aren’t meant to be! So once again, police. They must get wretched tired of this gig!

So, now that everyone has finally come onto the same page (reminder of the importance of informing up the line about incidents) what is the sum decision? Banned from our pharmacy, alerts out for ED and the ward, and a letter sent to his home about the above. But hold the phone, isn’t he homeless? Where exactly did that letter go to…? So, he’ll know about this how? And next time he comes in? Well still call the police, and since he’s been “given” a warning, they can act further. Actually it turns out that the police are currently frustrated because a judge stuffed up a bail issue with this guy; he’s meant to be in jail not roaming around being an idiot. But I guess that’s another story.

Job update

Hello? Is anybody out there? Is anyone still listening?

Apologies for the radio silence over the last few months. It wasn’t for lack of ideas and thoughts to share, but more for lack of motivation and follow through. It’s been a long, cold winter for me! How about you?

The run-down of this winter is coming in instalments, because a lot has happened despite the long cold. First off, and the main event, an update on work.

I quit my old job in August, yep the same one that I started in April, and moved on to another job. I’ve never “given up” so soon! But it was a good move, probably the best career move I’ve ever made despite quitting being seen generally as a negative thing. Four months in community pharmacy, and I’m done! It wasn’t the community, it was the pharmacy, more specifically the management of the pharmacy, and more especially the owner/manager/slacker/ingrate/greedy pig/jerk. I’ve done that fight in a job once, and it changed the course of my mental health for life! This time, I knew enough not to stay, and I’m proud of that! It shows that I learnt something that first time around, and that’s a victory. As soon as I realised that the situation wasn’t going to change (another thing I’m proud of recognising this time around) and that my initiative was unappreciated, I started planning my departure.

And karma smiled. Well I don’t believe in karma, or the universe, or fate. But everything fell into place like it would if you did believe in one or the other of those things. I monitored the regular SEEK pharmacist job alerts that I’d signed up to receive before this job, as well as the Society of Hospital Pharmacists job register. I was still searching for my escape route (you know, never leave a job until you’ve got another job), when I got a call from Slade Pharmacy at Epworth Private Hospital in Richmond asking if I would like to interview for a casual position! Ah yes! I would definitely like to interview for a job with flexible hours in a hospital, albeit the dispensary! Especially since you called me; is this a dream come true? So why did they call me? Turns out that when I interviewed for them last year and didn’t get the job, they said “can we keep your resume on file?” and meant it! How about that? I thought it was just a line that everyone says when you don’t get a job as a consolation that maybe in the future there’ll be something there for you. But this time there’s an actual consolation prize in form of a job! Amazing.

So, interview, check. Job offer, check. Give notice that I’m leaving, check. Get obnoxious response from boss, check. Leave job feeling even better about my decision to leave, check. His response when I said I was leaving? “That’s a relief. Return the keys. Retail is not for you”! Sorry. You’re wrong. Retail pharmacy is for me, in fact during uni days I worked in retail pharmacy for 3 years and had a great time. But you’re right, the way you mis-manage it, it’s not for me. Ciao!

Usually when someone is looking for work, changing jobs, planning a career or whatnot, they consult their own needs and maybe that of a partner or family member. It comes down to what you want from a job, where you want to work, what you want to do in your job and that’s it. That’s true for me too, but in my case, there are a few other factors that contribute as well.

Number one: how will this job affect my health? That’s always the first consideration nowadays. Do you ever even think about this when considering a job? I certainly never did before I got sick. Could I work fulltime, could I manage the stress, how would I manage my workload? I never even thought about these as issues, I never thought about it period. I just knew inside myself that I would manage whatever came to me. I never doubted being able to do whatever job I got. I didn’t understand there being any option but doing the job well and going home to rest before going back the next day. Until the last year of my first job led to my physical health falling apart, and my mental health beginning to deteriorate. My second job was endlessly fulfilling but my mental health was already on the way out and too far gone for me to hold my head together, so I had to bow out. Ever since then I’ve been returning to work and thinking about what I can physically and mentally manage in a job.

Number two: what do my doctors think? Their opinion isn’t the end of the matter, but it has a lot of weight and sometimes it does decide the issue. My psychiatrist for instance has an old-school understanding of what hospital pharmacists do, but a very up-to-date understanding of how my previous jobs have affected my mental health. His current stipulation has been no hospitals, which of course I’ve found very challenging to accept! Hospitals are my place, I’m sure of it, but the politics of my first and third hospital jobs have been tough on my health for different reasons. So, I did what he suggested and tried retail pharmacy. I wasn’t very enthusiastic at first, but I tried to see it as a challenge, as a chance to update and broaden my drug knowledge and expand my mind with a different type of practice. But unfortunately, I found a great job in a terrible environment. I tried hard to make it work, but it began to drag me down after a couple of months and my psychiatrist could see that clearly, once referring to my ex-boss as Frankenstein’s brother, and another time as a peasant which amused me greatly! But still, when I broached my new job at Slade Pharmacy with him, I went cautiously and emphasised the words dispensary, retail, community pharmacy, and minimised the word hospital. But as it turns out, that first job as a casual dispensary pharmacist starting in September was easy to sell. Meanwhile my GP is supportive of anything that I want to put my hand to, even recommending I just not work for a while longer if it suited me. But getting back to work has always been a driving force with me, for better or for worse.

A week into my casual dispensary role, I heard someone dropping the words job and emergency department!! Wait!! What?? My favourite ever job so far! On offer right here? Where I already have a job? Ears pricked, senses heightened, on full alert I went into action finding out as much as I could. As soon as possible I interviewed for and was then offered later that week a role in the emergency department, 2 weeks into my casual dispensary position. I was more hesitant in telling my psychiatrist about that. I used words like part time, structured, working with another pharmacist, dedicated time, no involvement with the main hospital. But it went over easily. He saw how the community pharmacy thing went; we tried that. So now this is a new thing that I wanna try, and we’ll watch and wait this time.

The third and last factor is a third party checking in on the progress of my work. I’m receiving income protection payments from an insurer, and they check in on me every month. There’s a lot of filling in of forms by myself and my GP, supplying payslips when I’m working, and periodic check ins with a “rehabilitation consultant” who keeps tabs on my work and my health, and a case manager who keeps tabs generally. They do keep the pressure on to remain in paid work, of course, and they aim to get me back to full time work, something that I’m by no means convinced is possible. When I wasn’t happy in that retail job, I did experience some pressure from them to keep going rather than quit, but I was sure I was doing the right thing, and now in hindsight they agree. It’s just another little something in the mix that complicates my plans for what work I want to do and how I want to do it.

Slowing down

If you look carefully, and you shouldn’t feel the need to, you can see the signs of me slowing down. Mornings get harder (and they’re never really my strong suite, but I’ve impressed myself lately), I stop answering the phone (which is always my strong preference but sometimes I’m better at it), I stop doing anything much around the house (which isn’t saying much but still), I stay in bed longer and longer, getting up and going is harder, and I dive into my laptop and live there because its more predictable and controllable in there than in the outside world. I jump into a world that isn’t reality, where beautiful music and sitcom laughter falsely pep me up. But I take falsely pepped up over no pep most days.

This week I haven’t been doing so well. I know why, but I can’t seem to shift it and improve my mood. There’s just been this one thing that’s bugging me, and I haven’t been able to physically do anything about it to this point and its just biting and biting. That has worn me down as well as consuming my thoughts with less than impressive ideas about myself. It’s brought about a constant level of fight or flight instinct in me, and between palpitations and just feeling amped up it hasn’t been fun.

At work on Sunday a patient came in desperate for something to help him sleep. He really seemed quite beside himself, saying he can’t get to sleep til 2am, doesn’t sleep long, and then is bombed out all day and can’t get anything done for being tired. It seems like a pretty clear case for handing out a Pharmacist Only sleeping tablet, but this man is on an old school medication that interacts with EVERYTHING! He was well aware of this and told me about it before I could ask about other medications. So I did the proper thing and checked to make sure that I could offer him a safe option. Most of the medications we can sell are sedating antihistamines like Phenergan and Polaramine which you may well have heard of. But these interact with his medication so they’re out. There was only one option (other than referring him to his doctor whenever he could get in) so I set him up with that, explained it all to him, reassured him that it was fine, advised him to take a half dose to start with and we both went on our way happy.

Then I got a call from him saying he’d read the leaflet in the box (of course, he would be the one in twenty to do so!) and it said not to take it. I explained again that the reason not to take it with his medication was because of drowsiness not another side effect, and in his case we wanted the drowsiness. At this point I recommended he discuss it with his doctor before taking it if he didn’t feel confident, but he said I was the medicine expert so if I said it was okay, then he was okay with it. Flattering to hear, but a bit of a terrifying responsibility at the same time. But I was happy from what I read so all good. But that call back set off some doubt in myself, some insecurity that maybe I got it wrong and I just cannot get rid of the [insert adjective] questioning in my head!! I looked it up again, and again, and although it seems right, there’s just something!! Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have not given him anything and hoped he could see his specialist soon? Is my knowledge still not up to date enough? What if something happens?? That last one is a killer of peaceful thoughts! Is it likely? No. But…and that is pretty much the loop my brain is feeding me.

I’ve tried to breathe: in 2 3, out 2 3 4 5. I’ve tried distracting myself, thinking of something else like our holiday to Queensland sometime later this year: I now have put together the most thorough bird watching to-do list that you’ve ever seen, have an order pending for a Cairns specific bird book, and GPS coordinates for good locations! I tried eating: fail. Telling a colleague: they weren’t concerned but what does that mean? The responsibility doesn’t rest on their shoulders so…I was asked to work yesterday so I was going to look the patient up and give them a call to check everything is okay, but my shift got canned. So that phone call got pushed out til tomorrow. It’s been a long week!! I’m just stuck in quandry, in limbo waiting for the knife to fall, the bell to toll, the consequence to descend on me. ARGH!

So my mood has struggled. Monday I was in bed til lunchtime, or after lunchtime; sometime around 3pm possibly. I don’t think I did a single thing. Wake up, sleep, wake up and breakfast, sleep, wake up and snack, sleep, wake up and drive 2 minutes for KFC, sleep, dinner, sleep. Very interesting. I was bugged by this sleeping tablet business all day, but I didn’t realise how much it was sapping my energy, motivation, interest in anything else til later. But every time I woke up either overnight or during the day it was right there, clear as crystal in the front of my mind!

Yesterday I managed to get out because I had a voucher with a use-by date to redeem at the aquarium, and at Pancake Parlour; freebies are a good motivator. Breakfast/brunch near an open fire while sorting bird photos on my laptop was pretty fun!!


Then on to the aquarium where I enjoyed walking around in a removed kind of way, apart from the lovely shallow rock pool with little rays and elephant sharks (which are so ugly!!) and little fishies; that was awesome. Then on to the behind the scene package where we got in a glass bottom boat and watched rays and sharks and fish swim just beneath us. That was pretty cool. But the breakthrough was feeding the rays. I’m not talking about the little ones, I mean the Smooth Stingray species that is 3 or 4 metres across. They come up to the side of the tank for feeding, and they aren’t meant to, but they flap flap flap their “wings” against the side and cause huge splashes!! So naughty, and so fun fun to watch and take photos of! That got me laughing out loud; I really enjoyed that. I was smiling for ages after that.


Then I went down a couple of levels to the bottom of that tank so I could watch the big sharks and rays swimming around through the glass; another wonderful experience! That really did it for me, and it is SO important to have things that do it for you on not so great days. Last stop was the penguins, and a cute penguin onesie for a baby who I know will be coming later in the year. I was still wrecked by the end of the day, I was still dragging myself around the levels of the aquarium, I was still tired but I got some smiles and laughs in which makes it a win as far as I’m concerned. It didn’t take much to suck that out of me, but at least it was sucking from happy to regular, not from regular to down. That’s a good thing too.


We had a chat last night, hubby and me. Something about me being in a rut, lost in my laptop, not really engaging with the world or him. And I recognised it then as a symptom, that I really was down a bit and struggling a bit and it was cause and effect happening right there in my easy chair. I was almost at a point to make an appointment with my GP for a pep talk and pick me up, but I’m still holding that card because I see my psychiatrist next Tuesday.

So what about today? There is purely one reason why today worked. Wheel Women had a ride on that I had RSVP’d too but wasn’t sure if the weather would turn out good enough. Last night hubby said: “go even if its raining because there’s only meant to be a small amount of rain, so if it’s raining its probably nearly done”. And it happened exactly like that. Even though it was POURING rain when I woke up, I got up, got dressed, got ready, checked in to make sure the ride was still going ahead, and drove over to Kensington. It rained the ENTIRE way over there, except the last 1 to 2km, and then it was the most spectacular morning you could possibly imagine. Blue skies, the Maribyrnong river was looking stunning in blue as it reflected the sky, the grass was green and it was good to be alive with friends enjoying the sunshine and the fresh morning. That alone does it for me, and I would have been so disappointed had I stayed home.


Instead we had a lovely time chatting while we rode, chatting over coffee and chatting all the way home again!!! And then, because I wanted to check out some birds (so wishing I had my camera in these perfect conditions!!) and get some shots of the city that I couldn’t take while I was riding, I did the whole thing again!! Yep, 2 loops along the Maribyrong and I can’t think of a better way to spend the day! Right now, I’m happy. I have a low level of anxiety still going on but I think I might take a Valium to give me a bit of a break from that so I can enjoy this feeling of happiness and friendship and accomplishment. Every time I do that ride along the Maribyrnong I remember the first time when I thought it was the hardest thing in the world! Now I just spin along and enjoy it for the scenery, and don’t even notice the kilometres going by. It’s nice having landmarks to show how far you’ve come!! I always appreciate them.


What else was good about today? I went back again to look at birds and I found some terrific ones!! A Hardhead duck so close I could touch it when they’re normally shy birds. A stunning male Superb Fairy Wren in full blue plumage on a fence post in the sun (oh camera, wherefore art thou camera??!!). A group of Little Black Cormorants fishing together. A pair of Red-rumped Parrots flying off JUST in front of my wheel! A Great Egret in slow, graceful flight. Beautiful, lovely day. Plus a new Wheel Women friend. And watching a recent Wheel Women member improving with every ride; I love that!! Let’s hold on to that happy!!


Cycling update

Recently I shared with you my love of social cycling, and all the hard work that goes into it, and fun that comes out of it. I had ridden an epic (for me) number of 7 rides in 2 weeks with Wheel Women last time I was talking to you, but where to from there? When you hit a personal best, whatever follows can feel a bit mediocre.

So here’s a little update on my riding. After that two week period, I rode 2 rides the next week, one the week following and one ride the week after that. Since then I haven’t ridden much. Oddly this has coincided with unofficially and then officially starting work. I’ve either been working on the day that a ride was scheduled, recovering from work the day a ride was scheduled or the weather hasn’t been that great. It sounds a lot less impressive, doing less rides, but each ride was significant in its own right.

One ride was at sunset along St Kilda esplanade which was stunning!


We had to change route without warning when 40 joggers turned onto the path in front of us (seriously forty!!), and I loved finding our way through the quaint Port Melbourne suburban streets until we got to the beach. We stopped for the fish and chip special up past the yachts, then rode back in the dark with lights. I hadn’t ridden with lights at night before, and I really wanted to try that with others before attempting it on my own, and yay, I ticked that off the list. I have to say whizzing along in the dark on a balmy night along the beach then into the city was pretty thrilling!


Then I voluntarily signed up to do a big long hill climb lesson one Saturday, figuring that after the very hilly Torquay circuit that I survived, I should strike while the iron was hot and keep working on my hill climbing skills! What’s the saying, sucker for punishment? Or something like that. There was a large group of us and I think that we each learnt something different, relative to our own ability and the experience of climbing that hill. Most of all, we had a go. Having a chance to try something is such a big part of Wheel Women. I wouldn’t think of doing a 8km hill with an average 5% gradient by myself. I probably wouldn’t try it with a friend; I most definitely wouldn’t try it with my husband! He’s an amazing hill climber: lean and muscular, terrific cardiac capacity, mentally tougher and most of all 50kg lighter than me!! Yep, that’s the difference between us! But being so competent, I think his coaching wouldn’t translate as well as from someone who has been through the learning process themselves relatively recently. Maybe I’m wrong, but I like attempting it this way, with several female coaches who have gotten into riding in the last few years and recently trained as coaches. The climb was a bit torturous, and I admit I put my foot down about 7 times for a “breather” or for a sip or five of water or to let the lactic acid burn in my quads abate, but I didn’t stay stopped. I had a good friend riding alongside coaching me; she really helped change how I thought about doing the ride, and I did better because of her!


By the end I actually felt like I could go back another day and using her techniques I could get to the top by myself; but it’s more fun with friends. I was last to the top, but boy did I make up for it on the way down!! I was second by a small margin and rocketed through those curves; now that’s bike riding!!!


For the third ride we rode 40km in a loop around Geelong via the chocolaterie. I was so proud of this ride. Despite the wind we rode into at times, I felt really strong and mostly rode up in the front group going faster than my usual average speed, and the couple of hills we came up against I hit hard, and punched up them. I found it really interesting riding around the refineries, the suburbs, and the coast of Geelong; and the chocolates were delicious! I’m proud of what I’ve achieved in skills and experience on these few rides.


The last one was just for fun! A loop from Docklands to Port Melbourne around our usual spots: the apartments on the marina, the industrial zone, up to the beach for a moment of longing for a swim in better weather, a stop by the pink lake at Westgate Park and back for coffee and treats at a gorgeous little bakery opposite Etihad stadium. And then I went and drove off with my phone on the roof!! But we’ve already covered that.


Well believe it or not that was back in the middle of April!! My last ride was the exact day before I started unofficially at work, and finally today I got out there again! And it was a stunner. We started in the thick fog that has been hanging around every morning this week. And it was cold! I pulled up my riding jacket over my chin and mouth after they started to go numb, fogging up my glasses and causing condensation and I began to think that a balaclava has some merit for winter riding! And I forgot my gloves!! Argh, not great with metal brake levers. But boy was it stunning along the river with the fog. Especially when we got to the outlet of warm water from some industrial place, and watched the steam coming off the water into the foggy air; beautiful. We stopped off for a look at Stony Creek backwash and the birds in the mist, especially a graceful pure white Great Egret, REALLY made me wish that I had my camera, especially when there was a lady there with a really nice lens.


But the most stunning scene of all was when we got to the Williamstown yacht club which is always lovely, but with this morning’s fog the boats were somehow perfectly clear but behind them was nothing. Usually there’s a view across the bay to St Kilda beach and all the houses, but with all the fog it was like being at the edge of the world…just the boats and then nothing, a hidden horizon. Somehow it was so mysterious, and I was dying to photograph it!! So I did, but my phone shots are nothing on what I could have taken with my digital camera.


The reflections today with the fog and lack of wind were PERFECT! Just perfect. But then would you believe, by the time we had coffee and started cycling back it looked like this!!


No words.