4 years

6th March, 2018

Well I had other ideas for today’s blog, but Facebook reminded me that today 4 years ago I was recovering at home, supervised by my hubby working from home, after a VERY long afternoon/night in the emergency department having finally come to the crunch point of my nervous breakdown.

It was the first day of many days off work: 6th March 2014 to 22nd July 2015.

It felt long!

It felt like it would never to over, that life would just trickle by forever. Me at home, on my own, barely able to fill the hours of the day, just dragging along until the next…what? Hour, day, week, year?

After 18 years of full time school; 4 years of full time study plus part time work; an intern year of full time work and study; and 4 years working full time (apart from a period of 9 day fortnights during 2013 for health/stress reasons, and a brave if futile attempt to get back to work and save my job by dragging myself 2 days a week to work in the outpatient dispensary at the Alfred in the month before my contract expired late 2014) it was a shock!

I didn’t know what to do with myself physically, let alone mentally. So came a long list of attempted hobbies to try to fill up my time, more or less successfully. 4 years on, some have stuck, some haven’t, but it’s a different problem now: finding time for those hobbies! Time for bird watching, for photography, for blogging, and my re-discovered love of gardening. I’m back at work, currently 4 to 5 days a week! Who would have ever thought?! And it’s cramping my style! How’s that for ironic? For months, years in fact I’m dying to get back to work, really back to working full time or close to it, and 5 minutes later I’m missing my me time!!

It could be worse. If anyone can say that it’s me. I was worse, I’ve been worse; so I really know that it could be worse. I do. But it’s the perspective you have at the time that frames how you see things. And my perspective now is mental wellness and relatively good physical health, so the smaller things weigh more, like doing my hobbies! It’s not a bad place to be, hey? Four years on.

Work work work work work work

I love my job. Really love it. I think it must show because since I started working in the emergency department (ED) a few patients have commented to me that they can tell I love my job when I’ve been talking to them about different things. It has caught me off guard but on reflection I’d have to say, yep, its true, I do love my job. I just didn’t know it was showing so much.

It’s hard to define exactly what makes me love my job, but I think a lot of it is the nature of people and interacting with different backgrounds, beliefs, natures, religions, personalities and so on.

Like this tiny, feisty, skin-and-bones 80 year old never-had-kids-now-a-widow who fell over in her house yesterday when her left leg collapsed and was on the floor for 14 hours before her friend came over to her house and found her; lucky chance, that! What did she think about a personal alarm? Oh no, she didn’t want one of those, all they do is contact your next of kin or the emergency services, what’s the point??? Uuuummmm…that would be exactly the point, so next time you aren’t on the floor so long that your muscles start to break down! Did she have a power of attorney? No, she didn’t trust anyone enough! Did she take any medications? No (emphatically no!), and “if anyone tried to give her any she put up an argument”!! Fair enough, Gretel!! Obviously you’re going to do what you want how you want when you want. Now tell us exactly how you’re going to go home with a broken arm, muscle breakdown and severe bruising, and how you’re going to dress and feed yourself…you old battleaxe you!

I get it, it sucks to be older and have a failing body and maybe mind. I’m sure I would be clinging to whatever measure of control I had remaining. But protesting for the sake of protesting…what merit is there really? I often see this battle about giving up living at home, or a driver’s licence, and its fair enough to a point. I guess its just not exactly clear at what point to surrender with grace, necessarily. Speaking for myself.

Next patient? Gorgeous, perfectly coiffed 94 year old lady (in every sense of the word) who could pass for 80, or even younger probably; in fact she reminds me strongly of a family friend about 80. And she graciously attributes it all to modern medicine and the medications that she takes religiously exactly as her doctor prescribes them! Ah, music to my ears.

And next? A 29 year old girl with a brain tumour hoping on a trial drug suffering shocking side effects from medications prescribed for conditions she no longer has/never really needed treatment for in the beginning, and never reviewed. Suffering the effects of too many doctor’s fingers in the pie of her health, and no one doctor wanting to take responsibility for all of it at once, here is someone with a real case for complaining. Unable to say what a microwave or apple is although she “felt like they were really familiar, and she should know what it was”. Disorientated in her own house, not sure where she is or where she’s meant to be. Sedated and sleeping the day away, every day. Clumsy, unsteady gait, struggling to form words, relying on family to tell her what she’s been doing all day because she’s not sure, unable to leave the house in case she can’t find her way back. Pretty bad, huh!! But she was pretty accepting of the whole thing, just waiting it out patiently. Luckily she had a mother who didn’t take things lying down, but strongly advocated for her. The only problem with having such a strong voice on your side is a lot of doctors find it “challenging” and respond poorly. It shouldn’t be like that, but…

…so although I carefully, painstakingly formed a safe, detailed plan with her and her family of how to stop some of her more problematic medication (some of which had already been started by weaning doses of some medications) without creating new problems, we struck another case of a doctor not wanting to take on the full patient situation, just wanting to treat the precise reason for coming to ED and refer everything else back to her other doctors. This is actually a reasonable approach and I get it, but it would have been nice to have made things easier for the patient right then and there. At least the patient and family took on board everything we discussed and will put that into place when they get home. A bit disappointing that we couldn’t sort it out right then and there, having the opportunity to make a real, big difference to someone’s quality of life isn’t something that’s easy to pass up, especially for a cancer patient with a lot going on. But I do understand that if the ED doctor’s delved into a patient’s other issues every time they came to ED, the whole system would grind to a halt. That’s just one of life’s conundrums.

So this is a fascination with me. One patient refuses any intervention on principle, one gratefully and faithfully takes on any direction, and one just takes being mismanaged and goes with it. People, huh? Aren’t we so weird??